narcissism.

i just discovered that i can do that fun little four pictures in five seconds thing on my computer. i always thought it was a fancy setting that people with special new macs that haven't been dropped on the floor 18 times have, but apparently i have it too. cool!

i have some little stories and things to tell but right now on the tyra show, people are talking about home plastic surgeries gone wrong and OH MY GOD this is quality, quality television. 2 girls had an unlicensed doctor inject 20 shots of who knowsss what into their butts to make them look like j.lo but instead they went to the hospital and now they can't sit down for the rest of their lives. no wonder this show won an emmy. 

also, i think i'm going to try to wear polka dots everyday starting now. goodnight moon.

first position...

today, my ipod died on the subway so i did ballerina poses to entertain myself for the other four stops that i had to ride music-less. not pirouettes or anything fancy like that (i wish) but just your basic first position, second position, third position type stuff. also, i used the subway pole to balance so i could see if i could get up on my toes. (i could) (sort of) 

so anyways, i'm being a ballerina and stuff in first position which btw i'm incredible at and a man pointed at me and said "ballerina?" anddd naturally i said yes. i mean i know it's a lie but what kind of ass stands on the subway doing ballerina poses when they're NOT a ballerina? 

in other news, i'm scared i'm turning crazy. i've developed all these bizarro fears and paranoias that are ridiculous. i'm seriousss, if i keep going down this route, i'm going to turn out to be one of those old ladies that tells you not to make funny faces because your face will stay like that. you know the type.

first of all, i'm scared of my apartment. i'm scared of my fire escape because i feel like someone can climb up the fire escape and kidnap me and i'm scared of our first floor big windows because they are huge and high up and i'm scared of falling out. BUT to make myself seem even crazier, i don't have these as 2 separate fears. what i'm ACTUALLY scared about is that somebody is going to climb up my fire escape, carry me to the first floor, and throw me out the window. see? (crazy)

ALSO. i'm scared of the subway stations. i'm almost positive that i am going to fall down the stairs and knock my teeth out. omg i'm one of those moms!! the ones that tell their kids not to run on the stairs but it's WORSE because it's ME telling me. i have gone insane. i'm almost positive that one day i am going to be walking down the stairs to catch the train and someone is going to come running behind me, i'll go flying forward and BAM my teeth are out. the other day, i actually covered my mouth while walking to catch the train so as to prevent the inevitable teeth knock out

basically, i'm a paranoid freak. 

but i'm also a ballerina so whatevaaaa.

woops.

my friend manase is leaving new york to pursue a life of fame and fortune in california. to celebrate his sad goodbye, i baked him cupcakes. (from a box, don't get too excited) it was the funfetti kind and the directions are literally: add cake mix, eggs, oil, and water to a bowl. i forgot the oil. 

top chef, here i comeeeee.

i'm TIREDDDD.

last night, i had a dream that the world was ending. there were balls of fire in the air and they kept crashing down and setting things aflame and i had to run as fast as i could to escape the burning buildings. i'm talking like video game style running- dashing, if you will, to dart around flames and rubble. i ran and ran. faster than i've ever run in my entire life. and then around 5:11 am i woke up and thought OMG I AM SO TIRED FROM RUNNING. it was exhausting. i wanted to dream of cotton candy and my-little-ponies and the spice girls but instead i had to lunge over buildings escaping my fiery death and the end of the world. can't a girl get a breakkk?? come onnnnn.

i'm going to bed now. please pleaseeee let me be laying on a beach or making best friends with gaga and the olsen twins. at a quiet place. in a comfortable chair. if i close my eyes and am doing jumping jacks and push ups, i am going to be furioussss. good nightttt...

and the verdict is..

ok so after much time and deliberation, i have made a decision about the shoes. i picked neither. i figure if i can't afford to pay my rent, i probably can't afford fancy new shoes.

psycheeee i switched to the leopard. i'm still not 100% convinced with my decision but i think it's just because they are both SO good. thank you to all those who voiced their opinion and also sorry if i did the opposite of what you said. everybody can borrow them. i mean you, matthew mcdonald.

EMERGENCY EMERGENCYYYYYYY

omg call 911 i'm having a serious problem and i need everyone's undivided attention!!!!!!

today to reward myself from the terrribleeee week i've been having, i bought myself my new favorite shoesss. the thing is i really shouldn't be spending money on shoes right now but these aren't really shoes. these are a life investment. because i'm going to probably wear them everyday. or at least reference them everyday in conversation. and then one day, i will pass them on to my daughter. or my gay son. PLUS they're reallly exclusive (ish) i think they're basically like sold out in the world but for some reason the new york topshop store just got them. andddd since i'm sort of bestiesss with mary-anne who works in the topshop shoe section (and by besties i mean i've called her everyday for the last month interrogating her on the whereabouts of my new shoes), she called me today to celebrate their arrival AND put them on hold for me. thanks girllllll. BAM sold. exceptttttt here's the thing.

mary-anne put the lepards on hold because duhhh i've been obsessing over them 4EVAAA. but when i got to the store the zebras were just looking soooo good too. i couldn't decide. i had to try both. i did a runway walk around the store. i stared at my feet in the mirror. i asked random shopper's opinions. i polled the staff. i suggested the idea of selling them mismatched (cool huh? they said no.) basically, i terrorized topshop and in the end i was still UNSURE. eventually i went with the zebra because well 1. i feel like more people are getting the leopard and 2. because one of the girls that worked at topshop said "i don't know, the leopard are kind of steve madden-y"  which truthfully i don't really think is sooo bad but i mean she said it in a snobby voice which made me think the zebra were more special and fancy and stuff.

ANYWAYSSS. the zebra shoes are in my apartment and i'm still unsure. don't get me wrong i love them and my apt is like 500 times cooler now that they're apart of it but i just want to make absolutely sure i've made a good decision. i have the leopards on hold as backup because, well, that's the responsible thing to do and i'm really responsible. so i'm polling the audience and requesting a little crowd participation here (except for you mom. i know you don't think i should be buying anything) but everybody else: call me text me bbm me fax me page me i GOTTA settle this once and for all. and umm preferably by tomorrow because lea works next to topshop and it'd just be really convenient for her to do the switcharoo and stuff. (she chooses zebra. but she said leopard before she knew she had to carry the shoes to work if i change my mind. she cannot be trusted.)

okkk you know what to do! thanks love ya bye.

yay yayyy.

dara is coming to new york this weekend to visit me and jen and we are soooo excited!!

in other news, i've just found out that my old apartment has mice and i'm freaking out over it even though we don't live there anymore. the girls said they came home to find two little mickeys hanging on their kitchen countertop. i would DIEEEEE. i die over finding the tiniest little bug. so trust me if there was a mouse (TWO!??!) i would be booking a hotel. i guess that sounds a little bit high maintenance. lea has this new thing after becoming all vegetarian and stuff where she can't kill bugs. something weird about them having an afterlife and all this mother theresa-y sounding bs. i say smash them and kill them as quick as you can. sorry peta. does peta care about bugs? probably. peta cares about evvvverything. talk about high maintenance. speaking of peta, i am SOOOO excited for winter and fur coats. i know i've already told you i'm ready for a weather change but i just thought i'd be as repetitive as possible by telling you i'm dying for it. i think i am going to chop my mongolian lamb fur coat from grandma length to cool cropped fashionista-y length. ew the word fashionista makes me want to throw up but you know what i mean. it's most likely going to be incrediblee. here's some paparazzi pics of me in furs for no reason other than the fact that like i am sooo cute. just kidding. sort of.

anyways that was rude and self involved sorry back to DARA YAYYYYYYYY!!! i can't wait to see you..

a story about shoes.

i judge everybody by their shoes. i'm sorry if that sounds shallow but ummm this is just the way i was born. shoes are EVERYTHING. in to kill a mockingbird, atticus finch said somethinggg along the lines of "you can never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes" and i COMPLETELY agree. more importantly, though, i believe on judging a person by asking the question: would i WANT to walk a mile in their shoes. i know, it's deep. just call me aristotle.

on sunday, i was at the park and i happened to look down at the feet of a boy standing next to me and caught a glimpse of the most atrocious pair of shoes i have ever seen in my life. so atrocious, in fact, that i have googled the shoes to bring them to you now. shield your eyes.

HOWWWW terrible??! i put the picture up and then got nervous that if someone was just skimming my blog (you know like one of my international readers.. i have some... just sayin) and saw the shoe picture they may think that i'm writing an entry like OMG guys these are the cutest shoes ever i NEED them in my life. i have ensured this confusion will not happen by writing omg (bad).  

they are toe shoes!!!!! toe shoes?? how foul. i don't even want to see anyone's toes in sandals so i most DEFINITELY do not want a covered shoe to be split into segments to look like toes. terrible.

anyways. i can't just leave off on this note of repulsiveness so allow me to bring you a pair of shoes that i believe are good! (heart heart heart)

beautiful print. beautiful design. beautiful shoes. now picture me wearing them with polka dot ankle socks that fold down with a little ruffle AWWWW and purple tights. i know, sounds like a dream right?? k byeeee.

good morning sunshine.

hey hey hey how's my best girlfriends. it's been a long time since i've blogged, as usual, and i'm not really sure how to get back into the swing of things. i think i will start by showing you some new acquisitions to my closet because sometimes when i break out the modeling pictures, i find myself getting really funny and entertaining. you knoww?

ok SOOOO. remember a million years ago when i found the best shirt in the world on ebay aka the cutest little sexy bod bathing suit but psycheee nope it's a fat t-shirt- shirt? and then it ended up being junior mint baby size??  picture below for details.

ANYWAYS. the ebay shirt was the tiniest little baby thing i've ever seen so i complained for about 3 months and then decided to take action and try buying the bathing suit t-shirt again. ok... not to get all goldilocks with the t-shirts but i realllly feel like this one is a littttle bit too big... i know the whole point is for it to be a huge moo-moo shirt for a big fattie on the beach with a sexy bod painted on the front but is it SO much to ask for an adaptation of that that's also sort of a cute little mini-dress? i'd really love to find one that is justttt right. possibly leopard print? anyways i do enjoy the american flag print. and the really shiny barbie legs. 

alsooo i just bought a new jacket. it's kind of amazing. it's 80s acid wash-y denim and big and puffy-esque and lined with really bad faded 90s flannel. i feel like the more i surround myself with jackets and tights and wintery things, the more winter will come to me. i am DONE with summer. i'm tired of ripped jean shorts. i'm tired of florals. i'm tired of bathing suits. i'm tired of the sun. all i want is to be walking to the subway layered in 800 sweaters and tights and boots complaining about how tired i am of sweaters and tights and boots and wishing i was wearing a floral bathing suit with ripped jean shorts and playing in the sun. anywaysssss. here's my new jacket. i posed seven different times in awkward positions so you could really truly see the beautiful craftmanship of the 80s atrociousness. you're welcomeeeee.

oh ALSOOOO i got a construction worker vest. i've been wanting one forever because i always think the construction workers and subway people look soooo cool so finally i went up to a construction worker in my neighborhood and asked and BAM. in my closet. hahah i love BAM. it really gets the point across doesn't it? anyways i said i needed it for a "very special fashion shoot"... aka this? shhhhh.

ok now i am going to tell a story that i realize is going to make me sound a little bit insane but wellll this is my blog so i can say whatever i want. BAM. (good, right?) anywaysss i've had this obsession with getting a nose job for the past 2 years. because my nose goes like down. instead of up. or something. anyways, let me point out my flaws to you here. 

basically i'd love just a teensy little push on my nose and then i figure i'll go out one night and my friends will be like OMG you look AMAZINGGGG did you use a new eyeliner?? is your hair clean!!? but really i'll know. (nose job) the thing is. i know i don't reallllllly need a nose job. and i know this because my grandma says i don't. and trust me, she's not the type to just say something to be nice. BUT i stillll sort of like obsessing over it. SOOO the other night i decided to give myself my own little nose job (don't try this at home kids) actually DO because it works and i am a GENIUS!! so i had a little bit of masking tape in my drawer and i decided to ummmm tape my nose up. just a teensy little push you know? i didn't like glue my nose to the top of my face or anything, don't freak out. anywayssss, i left it on for a little bit and then BAM (sorry) new nose. i swearrrr it worked a little bit. i will be putting plastic surgeons out of business with my home remedies!! 

andddddd that is all i have for you today. thank you for joining and i will speak to you soon. probably. if i don't forget i have a blog again or spend all my time stealing clothes from construction workers and performing arts and crafts surgery on my face. BYEEEE.