oh hey.

just some things.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

hiiii. so i'm 24 today. i knowwww i'm so old, i'm like 85. i'm feeling pretty good about 24 though. i think it's going to be a good year for me. but now that i've been alive for 8,760 days (thank you blackberry calculator), there are certain things in life that i've just decided to accept i will never understand. and these things are temperature and geography.

geography. i went to school in missouri. "ohhh, where is that?" I HAVE NO IDEA. seriously. none. i just say "umm, it's not too far from chicago" and that's accepted. but where's chicago? not the faintest idea. i did my part in third grade when we had the test to fill in all the states on the empty map of the united states and since then, i made the decision to let that information go. and today, i am standing by that decision.

temperature. honestly, why is that i obsessively check weather.com yet when i am dressed for a snowstorm, the rest of new york is outside throwing frisbees and flying kites in jean shorts? and when i throw on a little dress and booties, i walk outside my apartment and people are in ski clothes!!! like having snowball fights and carrying hot chocolate. seriouslyyyy. i have decided to accept that 63 degrees means nothing to me. neither does 71. or 54. or 47. they just mean i will be inappropriately dressed and cold. or hot.

but it's ok because i'm 24 and i bought out the entire party city yesterday and life is gooddddd.

so let me show you my new purchases below. and also a glimpse into my messy room.

bunny ears awwww awwww awwww. these are from an earlier party city trip but whatever i'm including it because look how great they are with my polka dot bow! how cute and sweet? i tried working them into my halloween costume in some way but gene simmons isn't cute and sweet, he's cool and a little bit scary and also like why would i be normal and wear bunny ears on halloween when i could be weird and wear them on any other day of the year? you knowww what i'm sayin?

minniee ears. again, aww aww awww. i have like 80 pairs of mickeys but the minnie are just a-dorableeee. very good quality too, nice material and very sturdy. i must say. props to party city for really delivering with their props. hahah badumCHHH.

wish i could say the same about the quality of this little cat mask. it is literally made out of a paper plate. with floss as the whiskers. and the most stretched out elastic band. terrible. terrible quality. but it's cute so i bought it. god, i have problems.

pretty pretty princess. remember that game? well, now i will every day with my beautiful little princess tiara.

tiny little leopard ears awwww!! and they're a little bit furry and also the inside of the ear is made out of leather so they are very expensive and couture.

ok yeah whatever the gloves are completely random but like i couldn't just buy all little ears... that would be weird. and they are white and lacey which i find just darlingggg.

a queen hat!! for when i feel like a queen. ok fine, whatever i'll say it. i went completely psychotic and overboard. i couldn't handle the pressure of the magic of party city so i took it all home with me. DONT JUDGE ME. this is good stuff.

stickers stickers stickers. 350 stickers. stars and smileys and hearts! for when i'm grading papers if i'm ever a teacher. or just like to stick on things around my apartment. probably more likely the second but you never know.

HIPPIE TATTOOS!!! i am soooo excited for these. how cuteeeee are they? i have developed a sort of obsession with fake tattoos over the past year. normally, i go for the motorcycle ones because you know, i'm tough and grungy and stuff. but sometimes i go for princess ones. and last week we found ones that glittered and sparkled. but hippie? this is new and original and i LOVE it.

ok and lastly, this isn't from party city but while i'm already in photoshoot mode, i wanted to show you my new christmas sweatshirt. oh, just minnie and mickey kissing by their tree. but also to keep it extra gross and tacky, there are floating gingerbread men, reindeer, christmas cupcakes, and peppermint sticks. peppermint sticks? is that what they're called? i feel like that's not the right name. whateverrrr i don't even celebrate christmas but HOW CUTE IS THE SWEATSHIRT!!?

sooo that's it. just like a really mature 24 year old post about stickers and tiaras and minnie ears. oh ALSOOOO. i've been trying on all lady gaga's clothes for tour. no biggie really, JUST KIDDING IM FREAKING OUT. shelby assists the designer which somehow resulted in taking my measurements which resulted in me being the fit model. i don't really know. the point is i am getting paid to be fitted in lady gaga's clothes and i am well, dying. happy birthday to me :)

UPDATE UPDATEEE: November 12th. they are called candy canes. peppermint sticks? what was i thinking?? byeeee.

trick or treat.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 17:53:00 +0000

hi guys, it's me gene. here i am halloween-ing it up last night. and i'm not trying to brag and stuff.. no actually i am. my costume was AMAZING. i really did it up this year. now i will display in pictures me doing it up.

so there it is. gene simmons was a great success. i would like to thank beverlyheels.com for supplying me with the best tranny shoes a girl could ever ask for, morgan schweitzer for the amazing artistic-ness he covered my face with and mac makeup wipes for being able to take it all off. and also, all of my fans. because for real, last night i had so many.

famous.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 16:12:00 +0000

ok, i'm sure you all already know about this because you've most likely already picked up your 2010 toy and miniature poodle calendar BUT on the rare chance that you haven't, let me share the big exciting news with you.

it seems a member of my very own family is miss january! that's right. please direct your eyes to the top left corner of the second picture below which i have conveniently circled for you in neon green to see little scooby and max, my granma's dog, putting on their fiercest america's next top model faces.

i'm very proud of the little cuties but to be honest, they're looking a litttttleee bit stiff. you're miss january, boys!! loosen up!! roll around a little! and that cover girl?? she's looking a bit proper to have made the front spot, don't you think? that blue collar is totally washing her out! give the girl some bling!! this is the COVER for toy & miniature poodles 2010.

really, i'm only criticizing because i'm jealous. i wanted to be little miss poodle 2010. BUT. this isn't about me. this is about scooby. so congratulations, babe. don't let all this newfound fame go to your fluffy little head.

the saddest story ever told.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 13:47:00 +0000

sooo last night i was planning on going out but i decided to take a quick little power nap around 8:30 so i would be really energized and awake for a night on the town. flash forward to 3:04 AM when i am still tucked soundly into my comfy bed (seriously, STILL?? did somebody drug me??) when i was awoken by a text from my friend maxx. "lady gaga was at sway. she sang a song."

first of all. friends don't text friends about a secret surprise appearance and song by lady gaga AFTER the fact. friends CALL friends the second gaga enters the room so that the friend who is "napping" and OBSESSED with gaga can jump out of bed and into a cab. after she applies a little eyeliner. obviously.

it took me until 6:02 to even return to a peaceful sleep because i had to lay in bed tormented for three hours by the fact that ummm why was i SLEEPING when gaga was just like ohhh hey ok i'll go to the bar oh yeah i guess i'll sing. la la la paparazziiiii. well really, that's not entirely true. for about an hour, i stressed about the fact that i missed the gaga sing-a-long. for two hours, i stressed about the fact that some of my friends could have been at the bar to enjoy the gaga sing-a-long!! and i knowww that sound's really selfish and stuff but i guess i AM really selfish and stuff. and if i missed gaga, i don't want my friends to be with gaga having fun. i want everyone to be at home and miserable that they missed out on the party too.

and that is all. a quicker text message next time puh-leaseeee. long live lady gaga.

blah blah.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 03:21:00 +0000

i'm SOOOO excited for halloweeennnn. i think i'm going to have a really good costume this year. i've been planning it since last year when i was a real idiot too cool for school loser who decided not to do halloween. i know, i know, it's really lame. i had this weird thing where i was like "ewww i don't NEED to dress up for halloween. i dress up every day of the year so tonight i am NOT" really, that's what i said. it was even in a bratty tone of voice like it sounds and i am SO sorry for that temporary little slip of judgment. basically, i sulked in sequins while everyone else dressed like bananas and power rangers and kittens and stuff like normal fun halloween respecting people. anywayssss this year i'm going with a better attitude AND i am going to be gene simmons. ta-dah.

alsoooo jen gave me a new baby octopus ring. i don't really know if it's a baby but that makes it sound extra cuteee. (awwwww) see below in the smallest tiniest worst picture to show off my new blingaring. (omg was that kind of a really good new word!?? webster, where are you? i have good material here!!) anyways, ladies and gentlemen, my ring.

ANDDD i wore my bikini t-shirt in real life and not just like on a photo-shoot for my blog. (ooo that sound's uncool) anyways, it was a hit.

and for the grand finale, here's pictures of me and lea doing photobooth on my mac. i know i should be over it by now but i'm not. 4 pictures in 4 seconds?? that's so cool!!!

k bye goodnight.

it's a party in the usaaaaa.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 16:00:00 +0000

narcissism.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 05:11:00 +0000

i just discovered that i can do that fun little four pictures in five seconds thing on my computer. i always thought it was a fancy setting that people with special new macs that haven't been dropped on the floor 18 times have, but apparently i have it too. cool!

i have some little stories and things to tell but right now on the tyra show, people are talking about home plastic surgeries gone wrong and OH MY GOD this is quality, quality television. 2 girls had an unlicensed doctor inject 20 shots of who knowsss what into their butts to make them look like j.lo but instead they went to the hospital and now they can't sit down for the rest of their lives. no wonder this show won an emmy.

also, i think i'm going to try to wear polka dots everyday starting now. goodnight moon.

first position...

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 14:19:00 +0000

today, my ipod died on the subway so i did ballerina poses to entertain myself for the other four stops that i had to ride music-less. not pirouettes or anything fancy like that (i wish) but just your basic first position, second position, third position type stuff. also, i used the subway pole to balance so i could see if i could get up on my toes. (i could) (sort of)

so anyways, i'm being a ballerina and stuff in first position which btw i'm incredible at and a man pointed at me and said "ballerina?" anddd naturally i said yes. i mean i know it's a lie but what kind of ass stands on the subway doing ballerina poses when they're NOT a ballerina?

in other news, i'm scared i'm turning crazy. i've developed all these bizarro fears and paranoias that are ridiculous. i'm seriousss, if i keep going down this route, i'm going to turn out to be one of those old ladies that tells you not to make funny faces because your face will stay like that. you know the type.

first of all, i'm scared of my apartment. i'm scared of my fire escape because i feel like someone can climb up the fire escape and kidnap me and i'm scared of our first floor big windows because they are huge and high up and i'm scared of falling out. BUT to make myself seem even crazier, i don't have these as 2 separate fears. what i'm ACTUALLY scared about is that somebody is going to climb up my fire escape, carry me to the first floor, and throw me out the window. see? (crazy)

ALSO. i'm scared of the subway stations. i'm almost positive that i am going to fall down the stairs and knock my teeth out. omg i'm one of those moms!! the ones that tell their kids not to run on the stairs but it's WORSE because it's ME telling me. i have gone insane. i'm almost positive that one day i am going to be walking down the stairs to catch the train and someone is going to come running behind me, i'll go flying forward and BAM my teeth are out. the other day, i actually covered my mouth while walking to catch the train so as to prevent the inevitable teeth knock out

basically, i'm a paranoid freak.

but i'm also a ballerina so whatevaaaa.

woops.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 07:40:00 +0000

my friend manase is leaving new york to pursue a life of fame and fortune in california. to celebrate his sad goodbye, i baked him cupcakes. (from a box, don't get too excited) it was the funfetti kind and the directions are literally: add cake mix, eggs, oil, and water to a bowl. i forgot the oil.

top chef, here i comeeeee.

i'm TIREDDDD.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 05:55:00 +0000

last night, i had a dream that the world was ending. there were balls of fire in the air and they kept crashing down and setting things aflame and i had to run as fast as i could to escape the burning buildings. i'm talking like video game style running- dashing, if you will, to dart around flames and rubble. i ran and ran. faster than i've ever run in my entire life. and then around 5:11 am i woke up and thought OMG I AM SO TIRED FROM RUNNING. it was exhausting. i wanted to dream of cotton candy and my-little-ponies and the spice girls but instead i had to lunge over buildings escaping my fiery death and the end of the world. can't a girl get a breakkk?? come onnnnn.

i'm going to bed now. please pleaseeee let me be laying on a beach or making best friends with gaga and the olsen twins. at a quiet place. in a comfortable chair. if i close my eyes and am doing jumping jacks and push ups, i am going to be furioussss. good nightttt...

and the verdict is..

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 23:09:00 +0000

ok so after much time and deliberation, i have made a decision about the shoes. i picked neither. i figure if i can't afford to pay my rent, i probably can't afford fancy new shoes.

psycheeee i switched to the leopard. i'm still not 100% convinced with my decision but i think it's just because they are both SO good. thank you to all those who voiced their opinion and also sorry if i did the opposite of what you said. everybody can borrow them. i mean you, matthew mcdonald.

EMERGENCY EMERGENCYYYYYYY

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 23:47:00 +0000

omg call 911 i'm having a serious problem and i need everyone's undivided attention!!!!!!

today to reward myself from the terrribleeee week i've been having, i bought myself my new favorite shoesss. the thing is i really shouldn't be spending money on shoes right now but these aren't really shoes. these are a life investment. because i'm going to probably wear them everyday. or at least reference them everyday in conversation. and then one day, i will pass them on to my daughter. or my gay son. PLUS they're reallly exclusive (ish) i think they're basically like sold out in the world but for some reason the new york topshop store just got them. andddd since i'm sort of bestiesss with mary-anne who works in the topshop shoe section (and by besties i mean i've called her everyday for the last month interrogating her on the whereabouts of my new shoes), she called me today to celebrate their arrival AND put them on hold for me. thanks girllllll. BAM sold. exceptttttt here's the thing.

mary-anne put the lepards on hold because duhhh i've been obsessing over them 4EVAAA. but when i got to the store the zebras were just looking soooo good too. i couldn't decide. i had to try both. i did a runway walk around the store. i stared at my feet in the mirror. i asked random shopper's opinions. i polled the staff. i suggested the idea of selling them mismatched (cool huh? they said no.) basically, i terrorized topshop and in the end i was still UNSURE. eventually i went with the zebra because well 1. i feel like more people are getting the leopard and 2. because one of the girls that worked at topshop said "i don't know, the leopard are kind of steve madden-y" which truthfully i don't really think is sooo bad but i mean she said it in a snobby voice which made me think the zebra were more special and fancy and stuff.

ANYWAYSSS. the zebra shoes are in my apartment and i'm still unsure. don't get me wrong i love them and my apt is like 500 times cooler now that they're apart of it but i just want to make absolutely sure i've made a good decision. i have the leopards on hold as backup because, well, that's the responsible thing to do and i'm really responsible. so i'm polling the audience and requesting a little crowd participation here (except for you mom. i know you don't think i should be buying anything) but everybody else: call me text me bbm me fax me page me i GOTTA settle this once and for all. and umm preferably by tomorrow because lea works next to topshop and it'd just be really convenient for her to do the switcharoo and stuff. (she chooses zebra. but she said leopard before she knew she had to carry the shoes to work if i change my mind. she cannot be trusted.)

okkk you know what to do! thanks love ya bye.

yay yayyy.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 16:24:00 +0000

dara is coming to new york this weekend to visit me and jen and we are soooo excited!!

in other news, i've just found out that my old apartment has mice and i'm freaking out over it even though we don't live there anymore. the girls said they came home to find two little mickeys hanging on their kitchen countertop. i would DIEEEEE. i die over finding the tiniest little bug. so trust me if there was a mouse (TWO!??!) i would be booking a hotel. i guess that sounds a little bit high maintenance. lea has this new thing after becoming all vegetarian and stuff where she can't kill bugs. something weird about them having an afterlife and all this mother theresa-y sounding bs. i say smash them and kill them as quick as you can. sorry peta. does peta care about bugs? probably. peta cares about evvvverything. talk about high maintenance. speaking of peta, i am SOOOO excited for winter and fur coats. i know i've already told you i'm ready for a weather change but i just thought i'd be as repetitive as possible by telling you i'm dying for it. i think i am going to chop my mongolian lamb fur coat from grandma length to cool cropped fashionista-y length. ew the word fashionista makes me want to throw up but you know what i mean. it's most likely going to be incrediblee. here's some paparazzi pics of me in furs for no reason other than the fact that like i am sooo cute. just kidding. sort of.

anyways that was rude and self involved sorry back to DARA YAYYYYYYYY!!! i can't wait to see you..

a story about shoes.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 15:38:00 +0000

i judge everybody by their shoes. i'm sorry if that sounds shallow but ummm this is just the way i was born. shoes are EVERYTHING. in to kill a mockingbird, atticus finch said somethinggg along the lines of "you can never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes" and i COMPLETELY agree. more importantly, though, i believe on judging a person by asking the question: would i WANT to walk a mile in their shoes. i know, it's deep. just call me aristotle.

on sunday, i was at the park and i happened to look down at the feet of a boy standing next to me and caught a glimpse of the most atrocious pair of shoes i have ever seen in my life. so atrocious, in fact, that i have googled the shoes to bring them to you now. shield your eyes.

HOWWWW terrible??! i put the picture up and then got nervous that if someone was just skimming my blog (you know like one of my international readers.. i have some... just sayin) and saw the shoe picture they may think that i'm writing an entry like OMG guys these are the cutest shoes ever i NEED them in my life. i have ensured this confusion will not happen by writing omg (bad).

they are toe shoes!!!!! toe shoes?? how foul. i don't even want to see anyone's toes in sandals so i most DEFINITELY do not want a covered shoe to be split into segments to look like toes. terrible.

anyways. i can't just leave off on this note of repulsiveness so allow me to bring you a pair of shoes that i believe are good! (heart heart heart)

beautiful print. beautiful design. beautiful shoes. now picture me wearing them with polka dot ankle socks that fold down with a little ruffle AWWWW and purple tights. i know, sounds like a dream right?? k byeeee.

good morning sunshine.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 14:47:00 +0000

hey hey hey how's my best girlfriends. it's been a long time since i've blogged, as usual, and i'm not really sure how to get back into the swing of things. i think i will start by showing you some new acquisitions to my closet because sometimes when i break out the modeling pictures, i find myself getting really funny and entertaining. you knoww?

ok SOOOO. remember a million years ago when i found the best shirt in the world on ebay aka the cutest little sexy bod bathing suit but psycheee nope it's a fat t-shirt- shirt? and then it ended up being junior mint baby size?? picture below for details.

ANYWAYS. the ebay shirt was the tiniest little baby thing i've ever seen so i complained for about 3 months and then decided to take action and try buying the bathing suit t-shirt again. ok... not to get all goldilocks with the t-shirts but i realllly feel like this one is a littttle bit too big... i know the whole point is for it to be a huge moo-moo shirt for a big fattie on the beach with a sexy bod painted on the front but is it SO much to ask for an adaptation of that that's also sort of a cute little mini-dress? i'd really love to find one that is justttt right. possibly leopard print? anyways i do enjoy the american flag print. and the really shiny barbie legs.

alsooo i just bought a new jacket. it's kind of amazing. it's 80s acid wash-y denim and big and puffy-esque and lined with really bad faded 90s flannel. i feel like the more i surround myself with jackets and tights and wintery things, the more winter will come to me. i am DONE with summer. i'm tired of ripped jean shorts. i'm tired of florals. i'm tired of bathing suits. i'm tired of the sun. all i want is to be walking to the subway layered in 800 sweaters and tights and boots complaining about how tired i am of sweaters and tights and boots and wishing i was wearing a floral bathing suit with ripped jean shorts and playing in the sun. anywaysssss. here's my new jacket. i posed seven different times in awkward positions so you could really truly see the beautiful craftmanship of the 80s atrociousness. you're welcomeeeee.

oh ALSOOOO i got a construction worker vest. i've been wanting one forever because i always think the construction workers and subway people look soooo cool so finally i went up to a construction worker in my neighborhood and asked and BAM. in my closet. hahah i love BAM. it really gets the point across doesn't it? anyways i said i needed it for a "very special fashion shoot"... aka this? shhhhh.

ok now i am going to tell a story that i realize is going to make me sound a little bit insane but wellll this is my blog so i can say whatever i want. BAM. (good, right?) anywaysss i've had this obsession with getting a nose job for the past 2 years. because my nose goes like down. instead of up. or something. anyways, let me point out my flaws to you here.

basically i'd love just a teensy little push on my nose and then i figure i'll go out one night and my friends will be like OMG you look AMAZINGGGG did you use a new eyeliner?? is your hair clean!!? but really i'll know. (nose job) the thing is. i know i don't reallllllly need a nose job. and i know this because my grandma says i don't. and trust me, she's not the type to just say something to be nice. BUT i stillll sort of like obsessing over it. SOOO the other night i decided to give myself my own little nose job (don't try this at home kids) actually DO because it works and i am a GENIUS!! so i had a little bit of masking tape in my drawer and i decided to ummmm tape my nose up. just a teensy little push you know? i didn't like glue my nose to the top of my face or anything, don't freak out. anywayssss, i left it on for a little bit and then BAM (sorry) new nose. i swearrrr it worked a little bit. i will be putting plastic surgeons out of business with my home remedies!!

andddddd that is all i have for you today. thank you for joining and i will speak to you soon. probably. if i don't forget i have a blog again or spend all my time stealing clothes from construction workers and performing arts and crafts surgery on my face. BYEEEE.

aruba jamaica oooo i want to take ya

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 16:18:00 +0000

(aruba, not jamaica)

a tragedy.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 14:04:00 +0000

last night, i thought i was dying. i'm serious. the thought crossed my mind. all of a sudden, my temperature rose to literally 879 degrees. well not realllly literally but definitely somewhere close to that. it was the hottest i have ever felt in my entire life. i put my air conditioning on full blast and even then, my temperature was at least 748 degrees. it was AWFUL. i started saying my goodbyes to my room and planning who would get what. i deliriously texted maxx saying "i feel like jack in titanic. maybe i should just let go and die." nooo idea where the titanic reference came from or why i thought that was applicable or appropriate but i was DELIRIOUS. oh and also i told him "you can have my bike it's a good one" which i think is very considerate of me to be thinking so sweetly like that while on my death bed. really, i have not the faintest idea why i felt like leonardo dicaprio but i sort of like that i texted it because it's the closest i'll get to a drunk text and sometimes i feel a little left out from that whole drunk texting culture. just kidddinggg i don't (mom).

anyways, the point of the story is. last night, i almost died. and also today too. yes, it was already 117 degrees outside (estimates, guys, estimates) and i made the poor choice of wearing winter knee socks and combat boots (and a cute little polka dot summer dress just fyi) BUT i was SOOOO SOOOO hot. i was walking down the street like a crazy person stomping and sweating profusely, thermometer in mouth. i know that sounds a little over the top but my dad told me to take my temperature and then call him and i was on my way to work at this cuteeee little vintage store (omg VINTEDGE. it's in the antique showplace on 25th and 6th and you HAVE to come if you live in new york and you're not one of my many international readers) but anywaysss i thought sitting in the store with a thermometer in my mouth would realllly turn away the costumers so instead i multi-tasked and took my temperature on the way to work. it was 98.4. what a dissappointment right? all that "i'm dying, i'm dying" talk and its 98.4?? there is NO way. i know my temperature is at least 99.9. but whatevverrr. i guess i will live and i don't have to divide all my belongings amongst my friends and family. although for the record, jen, you were totally gonna get my sequins. isn't that nice? when i was younger, i used to LOVE those shel silverstein books with all the little poems and stories and there was one that i used to read ALL the time. it went like this:

now i lay me down to sleep

i pray the lord my soul to keep

and if i die before i wake

i pray the lord my toys to break

so none of the other kids can use them.

so touching. that really resonated with me. but clearly i have grown up into a lovely sharing individual and not the selfish little brat that re-read that poem every night before bed.

anyways, despite my anti-climatic temperature reading, i really do think i'm a little bit sick. send chex mix, flowers, and sequined sweaters to brooklyn.

oh just some modeling pics.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 04:17:00 +0000

i didn't go out last night because i was lazy and tired. instead, i had snapple lemonade and cheetos and took pictures of myself in my new hulk t-shirt.

the hulk shirt is SOOO good. it's almost impossible to put it on without wanting to make the hulk upside-down smile pouty face. verrrry difficult to replicate but i really tried. oh and also while i was at it, i had to show off my nail polish AND do the artsy bangs in the face picture because i couldn't JUST do hulk faces. that would be boring. and then also while i was at THAT, i decided to get some hat accessories because i couldn't be JUST wearing the hulk t-shirt with hulk faces without also throwing in my new marching band hat and mickey ears. ya know? i love the marching band hat SOOOO much. it's really really something. at first, i bought it and thought hmmmm this is a great little prop to decorate my room. turns out, it's an even greater little prop to decorate my head. i want to wear it every day but ALSO i bought mickey ears from party city and i want to wear them every day too. it's a real scheduling dilemma. i find that life is a lot more fun when you have props on your head.

i also bought a blondie t-shirt which is incredible in it's own way but doesn't really compare to the hulk. no offense, debs. i mean she has realllly incredible make up and hair but the hulk has bulging veins that actually stick out of the t-shirt. but blondie was a good buy too, for a day when i feel like wearing a fancier t-shirt. i bought it because it reminded me of a funny story about my mom at a blondie concert but when i left the store i realized that the blondie concert was actually with my dad and the funny story with my mom was at a kenny loggins concert. whateverrrrr. ok fineee, i'll tell you the story since you're probably on the edge of your seats now wondering about it. one time, we went to an outdoor kenny loggins concert. you know kenny? he sings that all time great rock and roll hit- "help me if you can.. i've gotta get back to the house at pooh corner by one.. you'd be surprised, there's so much to be done..." something about counting bees in the hive and chasing clouds in the sky... (ok i'm not going to lie i know the EXACT words to the song but that just seems SO uncool) ANYWAYS. we had bought subs and drinks before the concert and of course the security guards would not let us in with the food so instead of being a normal family and eating them before we went into the concert, my mom had us hide the food. eighteen different times. so that we could be repeatedly rejected entry. it was honestly something like "ummm sorry maam.. we're going to have to have you open your bag. hmmm, the subs again. yep. you're going to have to take that outside of the gates." and then round two.. "righttttt... um sir, is that a sub in your left sleeve? yep, really sorry but we can't let you in with that." round three. "the family has subs down their pants. do NOT let them in with the food."

anywaysssss after the 38th rejection, we ate the subs outside like a nice normal family and then joined the mosh pit inside for the raging sounds of kenny loggings. and now i have a beautiful blondie t-shirt to commemorate the night.

xoxo gossip girl.

oh geeezzz.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 15:13:00 +0000

so this time i have legitimate reasons for not blogging. god, i love the word legitimate. it sounds so legitimate.

ANYWAYSSSS. our wireless died. can you believe it? i am EXASPERATED. and linksys, the little bitches excuseeeeeee my language that make our router were not at all willing to help me. at all!!!

this is how our conversation went:

me: hiii good evening, i hope you are having a lovelyyyy day. our wireless is broken. it stopped working 5 days ago. we payed 30 dollars to set up the wireless 3 weeks ago. can you please help us get it up and running again!? it would be MUCH appreciated. (smile smile nice nice i SWEAR i was cheery and chipper)

computer devils: yes of course we are happy to help you after you pay another 40 dollars.

me: that is UNACCEPTABLE! we will NOT pay 70 dollars for 3 weeks of internet. i am APPALLED. i am FURIOUS. i am DISSAPPOINTED. i am FRENETIC. (i am thesaurusing synonyms for furious) pleaseeee can you help us? it will take you 3 seconds.

computer devils: yes of course we are happy to help you after you pay another 40 dollars.

me: let me talk to your supervisor

supervisor devil number 1: yes of course we are happy to help you after you pay another 40 dollars.

me: UNNACCEPTABLE AGAIN!! let me talk to YOUR supervisor.

supervisor devil number 2: yes of course we are happy to help you after you pay another 40 dollars.

me: I AM INFURIATED. let me talk to YOUR supervisor.

supervisior devil number 3: yes of course we are happy to help you after you pay another 40 dollars.

me: THIS IS ENRAGING. let me talk to YOUR supervisor.

supervisor devil number 3: i don't have a supervisor.

and now WE don't have wireless. UGHHHHHH.

it is really quite terrible. you see how i say quite? isn't that cute? that is because i have been hanging out with adorable brits and their posh-ness is rubbing off on me. but just a little bit.

ANYWAYS. not having wireless means in order to use the internet you must have your computer plugged in. (duh, i know.) and in our apartment, having the computer plugged in means you are using the tiniest little mini baby junior cord that can barely even wrap around my wrist as a bracelet!! when you are plugged in you are PLUGGED IN. you are basically sitting on the router. you are eating the cable box. your nose is pressed to the tv. all just to check a little facebook and write a little blog. terrible.

but while i'm here. i may as well share with you some thoughts. i saw a little girl going to karate class yesterday. she was SOOOO cute. punching and kicking and jumping in her little white outfit. she was only a white belt so clearly she totally sucks at karate but the idea of karate class is realllly appealing to me. you are basically doing a sport just to get outfits. AND when you've reached the ultimate pinacle of outfit chic-ness aka the black and white suit, you also have the ability to beat up robbers and chop wood boards with your hands. A-MAZINGGG.

one time, i tried to do a sport for an outfit. i did a season of soccer. i love talking about it because it is really the only athletic-ness of my life. i never really say it was just a season either. i like to throw it in when people give me this look of shock like WHAT? you didn't do SPORTS? and then i say i mean... i did soccer in highschool. little do they know it was for the uniform. totally backfired on me though. i got stuck with baby blue. NO ONE wants baby blue. i was hoping for purple or black and white polka-dot. nope. i had blue. and my coach made us match our socks so you couldn't even get creative.

also, jen and i saw 500 days of summer the other day. it was soooo good. now i feel like i should cut my bangs so i can be like zooey deschanel because she is the cutestttt. i bought popcorn and it was like 17 dollars or something ridiculous. i say 17 because really it was 7 and that doesn't sound worth blogging about but really it is quite atrocious. quite. awww, so cute. i was wearing the cutest little floral dress but i didn't want to butter it up so i sat through the movie with my dress tucked and looped like a midriff circa 4th grade and let my little shorts be butter pants. you always have to have butter pants at the movies. i have a pair of jeans that are my movie theater butter jeans. they are stained and greased and perfection for eating 17 dollar movie theater popcorn. with layered butter. yum.

in other news, i need new picture faces. lately, i've been really stuck on dead face and obnoxious face.

(dead)

(obnoxious)

they are terrible and repetitive. i need new looks. and i REALLY need wireless internet. love yaaa.

are you there blog? it's me, lauren.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 14:53:00 +0000

i'm baaaccckkkkk. i'm always back. i think that will just be my standard greeting when i'm blogging from now on. anywayssss did you miss me? actually i kind of know you did because like evvvvvvverybody (emphasis on the v's because seriously guys, everybody) has been begging me to blog. you're welcome.

woooo today is my favorite holiday aka 7/11 aka free slurpee day and i am sooo excited. last year on 7/11, the little tricksters at the gramercy 7-11 put an out of order sign on the slurpee machine. it was abominable. so instead we filled our free slurpee cups with hot chocolate and marshmallows and it was nowhere near the same but i was NOT about to leave empty handed on free slurpee day. this year, i am hoping they will be more prepared for my arrival.

so lea and i moved into our new apartment. we are officially brooklyners. or brooklynites. ooo brooklynites i love that, i will use that. anyways we live in BK which is great and stuff but i have no idea where anything in brooklyn is. so if my apartment is not in my sight, i am lost. streets are incredibly more difficult when they are not in number order and when you have the WORST sense of direction in the world. also, we have an ice cream man that works like 21 hours a day. REALLY. the ice cream truck music is the new soundtrack to my life. which is reallllly annoying because the old soundtrack to my life was seal- kiss from a rose and i liked that SOOOO much better. honestly. it was ALWAYS in my head. and now it's like a twinkling little ice cream song which is really awful and i can't even sing along.

also. i bought this dress from american apparel and i love love loveeee it.

i knowwww... you're not supposed to love american apparel because like every boy and girl and dad and hipster on the street has the same thing but i don't care i LOVE. it's comfortable and convertible and just kind of great. i plan on wearing it every day this summer. its the perfect little dress to accessorize. stacy doesn't like it. she says it's "boring" but she also told me that when painting my frame neon green, the paint DEFINITELY wouldn't get on the floor if i layed it on fabric and guess what. it DID get on the floor. (shhhh don't tell lea) so i have decided to dis-credit everything stacy says from now on. anyways, my new dress. so far, i just did the socks and creepers look which i know is a little bit boring but don't worry.. i have plans for minnie ears and bling and a marching band hat and sequins and shoulder-padded blazers and stuff. (rip michael) so anyways. that is my summer wardrobe schedule. i feel that it is very creative and economical.

lately, all i want to do is dress like minnie mouse but my outfits keep channeling a.c. slater. i reallllly need to sort myself out.

OH!! jen and i are starting a band. we are going to play the tambourines and they are going to be bedazzled. if you would like us to play at any of your functions, please let me know. we don't have the tambourines or any sort of songs worked out yet but i'm 96% sure we are going to be amazing so feel free to book in advance.

happy slurpee day.

clothes and stuff

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 00:56:00 +0000

so i just realized that the reason my posts have been sooo much less frequent is because i am not spilling over with hilarious stories from yoga class because i ummm skipped one week and then forgot about it for the last month? woopssss. oh well.. i needed a break. the last yoga class i went to, i was just NOT in the mood and decided that while everyone was getting all yoga-y, i would lay on the floor and relax. not even in child's pose or ANYTHING. (i know, i'm a rebel) and THEN my teacher kept coming around and trying to position me into yoga poses!! it was terrible. so terrible that i completely eternal sunshined the whole event and, well, here i am, so many weeks later and yoga has completely slipped my mind. i shouldddd start it up again but i'm also just getting a littttle antsy about the whole mk olsen situation (happy bday 2 days ago babe) and not running into her and all, even though like everyone of my friends seems to have no problem running into yoga class and spotting her on the mats. i am so unlucky sometimes.

more importantly though, today while i was on the west side buying a rack for my new room, i passed by a magical place with a lovely little going out of sale sign. i'm sort of just saying "magical place" because i am selfish and i don't want anyone else going here. i really do have issues with this sort of thing. in 6th grade, there was a realllyy cool pair of mudd jeans with black and white stripes down the side so i bought a pair and then took the other 17 pairs and hid them under a baby crib on the opposite side of jcpenney. and six years later i won best dressed in senior superlatives so i meannnnnn a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. ya know?

ANYWAYS. fine. its odds costume rental and its on 29th st and 8th avenue. now my karma will be better. i should have taken pictures at odds so i could fully explain the magnitude of what i walked into but i was too consumed with the thought of needing to own everything in the store while at the same time keeping the place a secret from everyone i knew. it was fashion CHAOS. sequins and sweaters and prints and spandex and military jackets and pirate shirts and 70s dresses and sunglasses and furs and feathers and OMG it was stressful. also, i know you probably think i'm really athletic and stuff because of how diligently i did yoga for so long but i am actually sort of really lazy and yet you would be AMAZED at the lengths i will go to for good clothes. i was honestly charging through aisles with my shopping cart to grab a band hat before someone else could get to it and stacking ladders on top of each other to spiderman jump to a mesh section at the top of the rack.

it was EXHAUSTING. i had to call in a 911 leave work now and COME HERE IMMEDIATELY to bff jen remark to take in the craziness with me. i also employed her clothes approval and veto services where we painstakingly went through my cart with analyses like "right, but why do i really NEEDDD this band hat?" (i really did need it.) and "but should i get the shirt?.. well it's sort of big but it DOES have hamburgers on it..." you know. the usual.

i ended up leaving with three things. i know thats really anti-climactic for the dramatic freak out i just had over the whole costume place but the truth is odd's costume rental was a little ODD with their prices and umm if you're going out of business, i don't really want to spend 35 dollars on a sequined sweater of cats.

but anyways. my things are good and i should really do the whole sha-bang with my gloomy pictures and witty commentary so i can show you my odds acquisitions and some other recent things i kinda loveee but i am tired and also need to pack up my life into 500 duffel bags for the big move on friday. but SOON!!!

i guessssss, if you're in new york, go to odds. you are SO welcome.

its offficiiaaaaallllllll.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 19:32:00 +0000

we're moving in!!! and i have the keys to prove it. and 2 copies of the keys that i'm almost 87% sure will not work because they look like plastic keys that i would play with when i was a baby.

ALSO. my camera is back to me!!!! i am thrilled. well, not thrilled. i am satisfied and excited to resume my lifestyle of obsessive and annoying picture taking. thrilled would be if the geek squad had decided that my camera was in such terrible condition that they chose to let me pick out a brand new camera. one that came in the option of neon colors. in a sequin camera case. oooo that sounds too good to be true. but i guess it is.

anywayssss, my little baby camera is back. with all its little scratches and dents but hopefully not with smoke pouring out of the cracks this time. although it was a lovely special effect.

mmkkk well i am going now to update my resume. aka spend 3 hours thesaurus.com-ing words like coordinate, manage, delegate and communication.

if i ever end up in hell, i think i will be sitting in a room writing cover letters and resumes. FOREVER. oh and probably also wearing tevas because i reallllllly despise tevas.

lea says i'm not allowed to do this.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 02:37:00 +0000

but whatevaaaa. i am DOING IT. this is our newwwww apartment. well almost. it's not official because we have not officially signed the lease and i do not officially have the keys in my hand but ronny the broker says it is a DONE DEAL. its soooo pretty and also a little bit fancy which i don't really care about but i mean i guess it's nice to be a little fancy sometimes in life. most importantly it is a duplex which is basically my dream in an apartment because that makes it soooo cute and like a darling little house! awww!! haha. darling. i think that is the first time i've ever used that word in my life. i don't think i liked that. AND. it has three bathrooms. also unnecessary but we are going to have a woooo!! we moved!! party and everyone can just pee all over the place. so get excitedddd. brooklyn here we comeeeee.

funniness and a frozen turkey

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 05:24:00 +0000

so, i just want to say.. despite my lack of posting lately, it has come to my attention that people think i'm hilarious. and i mean, really, you don't need to tell me twice. if anyone thinks i'm hysterical, it's me. i think thats actually what makes my incredible wittiness a little bit less impressive because for every hilarious blog post you read, i'm re-reading and congratulating myself on what a funny person i have turned out to be. hahah just kiddddinggg. sort of. no, i'm not kidding really. that was the kind of just kidding you throw in because you SHOULD be just kidding but you're like nahhh i mean what im saying. but seriously, i am so funny that barbara was "peeing her pants". she's kind of easily entertained though so i will also include photographic evidence of someone telling me how hilarious i am.

no jokes. just sayin.

anywaysssss, allow me to take a break from my hilarity to tell you a tragic story. welllllll, i was in richmond this past weekend and while we were driving, my cousin told me a horrific story about a horrendous highway accident in arizona. the highway alone is terrible enough to me, but there's more. apparently, a woman was driving when a group of teenagers threw a 20 pound frozen turkey out of their car window which then crashed threw the woman's windshield and hit her in the face. AHHHH. it is the most terrible story and one i wish i had never heard because i was hallucinating frozen turkeys flying at my face every second i was behind the wheel and i am scared it may stick with me for the rest of my life. terrible.

i like these.

noreply@blogger.com (lauren) — Wed, 27 May 2009 04:07:00 +0000