oh hey.

just shoes.

2010-02-02T11:00:00.015-05:00

hi, here i am. i would like to share with everybody my new pair of shoes.

awww, welcome to my closet little cuties. i had a very difficult time yesterday deciding whether i should buy these shoes because well, sometimes it's irresponsible to be buying shoes when you should be buying groceries, subway cards, electricity, your rent, etc etc. but also i can't just walk around barefoot you know? and also when i told rich i was feeling guilty about buying shoes, he told me that i shouldn't because i was stimulating the economy. so basically, by buying my new black five buckle mirrored wedges, i was really just doing community service.

you're welcome, america.

here i am 2010

2010-01-18T11:05:00.005-05:00

hiiii. woops i haven't written on this in like 37 years. sorrryyyyy.. here i am. everyone can celebrate now.

soooo they say money can't buy happiness but saturday afternoon, naomi and i spent 36 dollars to rent a private karaoke room for 3 hours and i'm prettyyyy sure it bought us happiness. to be more specific, IT WAS THE BEST TIME OF OUR ENTIRE LIVES. let me tell you about it. we went in with the intention of an hour sing-a-long. pshhh yeah right an hour for mariah's like us? impossible. after one hour, we decided to go for two and at two we had JUST tapped into the broadway musicals market and discovered choreography so like obviouslllly we had to stay for hour three. the room was supposed to be 24 dollars an hour so we figured $72 dollars was probably a reasonable cut off and then when we paid, we were rewarded for our incredible performances with a 50% off discount. just kidding, it was happy hour. but really, we were incredible.

also i need to talk about the subway for a little bit. it's been on my mind for a long time and i'd just sort of like to speak my opinion ok? i'm not trying to be all anti-feminist and stuff but if you are a boy. and you are sitting down. and i am a girl. and standing. GET UP. and if you don't i will judge you the entire trip. i'll pretend to be listening to lady gaga (ok i probably won't be pretending) but really i am just going to be judging you. over and over. and maybe that sounds like sooo 1911 but that is just how i feel. i like to sit and if you are a boy, let me.

i'm not saying i should always sit. that would be ridiculous. obviously there is a subway sitting hierarchy and if someone falls above me on that hierarchy, then i will give them my seat. like of courseeee if you're 100 years old or 8 months pregnant or the octomom carrying 83 babies, i'll give you my seat. but sometimes the hierarchy isn't so clear cut and i get nervous that i'm offending people. like one day there was a woman that couldddd have been pregnant. but also she could have been fat. the line was just too hard to tell, so i sat. sue me.

anddd the other day, i was sitting and on walked a woman who looked sort of old. you know, wrinkles and that face of wisdom that only a grandma could have. but she was also in a cool poofy jacket with leather trim and she had a pony tail, like she was young at heart. and i didn't want to insult her by insinuating that she was old. so i got up but didn't gesture to the seat. so she stood. woops. with subway etiquette, you're really supposed to gesture to the seat, but i only perform the gesture when i am SURE the person should be sitting. and usually, i'm not so sure. it's a strange world out there on the subway.

but seriously, boys, GET UP.

editor's note **unless you are 100 or that man who was pregnant

just some things.

2009-11-11T10:00:00.013-05:00

hiiii. so i'm 24 today. i knowwww i'm so old, i'm like 85. i'm feeling pretty good about 24 though. i think it's going to be a good year for me. but now that i've been alive for 8,760 days (thank you blackberry calculator), there are certain things in life that i've just decided to accept i will never understand. and these things are temperature and geography.

geography. i went to school in missouri. "ohhh, where is that?" I HAVE NO IDEA. seriously. none. i just say "umm, it's not too far from chicago" and that's accepted. but where's chicago? not the faintest idea. i did my part in third grade when we had the test to fill in all the states on the empty map of the united states and since then, i made the decision to let that information go. and today, i am standing by that decision.

temperature. honestly, why is that i obsessively check weather.com yet when i am dressed for a snowstorm, the rest of new york is outside throwing frisbees and flying kites in jean shorts? and when i throw on a little dress and booties, i walk outside my apartment and people are in ski clothes!!! like having snowball fights and carrying hot chocolate. seriouslyyyy. i have decided to accept that 63 degrees means nothing to me. neither does 71. or 54. or 47. they just mean i will be inappropriately dressed and cold. or hot.

but it's ok because i'm 24 and i bought out the entire party city yesterday and life is gooddddd.

so let me show you my new purchases below. and also a glimpse into my messy room.

bunny ears awwww awwww awwww. these are from an earlier party city trip but whatever i'm including it because look how great they are with my polka dot bow! how cute and sweet? i tried working them into my halloween costume in some way but gene simmons isn't cute and sweet, he's cool and a little bit scary and also like why would i be normal and wear bunny ears on halloween when i could be weird and wear them on any other day of the year? you knowww what i'm sayin?

minniee ears. again, aww aww awww. i have like 80 pairs of mickeys but the minnie are just a-dorableeee. very good quality too, nice material and very sturdy. i must say. props to party city for really delivering with their props. hahah badumCHHH.

wish i could say the same about the quality of this little cat mask. it is literally made out of a paper plate. with floss as the whiskers. and the most stretched out elastic band. terrible. terrible quality. but it's cute so i bought it. god, i have problems.

pretty pretty princess. remember that game? well, now i will every day with my beautiful little princess tiara.

tiny little leopard ears awwww!! and they're a little bit furry and also the inside of the ear is made out of leather so they are very expensive and couture.

ok yeah whatever the gloves are completely random but like i couldn't just buy all little ears... that would be weird. and they are white and lacey which i find just darlingggg.

a queen hat!! for when i feel like a queen. ok fine, whatever i'll say it. i went completely psychotic and overboard. i couldn't handle the pressure of the magic of party city so i took it all home with me. DONT JUDGE ME. this is good stuff.

stickers stickers stickers. 350 stickers. stars and smileys and hearts! for when i'm grading papers if i'm ever a teacher. or just like to stick on things around my apartment. probably more likely the second but you never know.

HIPPIE TATTOOS!!! i am soooo excited for these. how cuteeeee are they? i have developed a sort of obsession with fake tattoos over the past year. normally, i go for the motorcycle ones because you know, i'm tough and grungy and stuff. but sometimes i go for princess ones. and last week we found ones that glittered and sparkled. but hippie? this is new and original and i LOVE it.

ok and lastly, this isn't from party city but while i'm already in photoshoot mode, i wanted to show you my new christmas sweatshirt. oh, just minnie and mickey kissing by their tree. but also to keep it extra gross and tacky, there are floating gingerbread men, reindeer, christmas cupcakes, and peppermint sticks. peppermint sticks? is that what they're called? i feel like that's not the right name. whateverrrr i don't even celebrate christmas but HOW CUTE IS THE SWEATSHIRT!!?

sooo that's it. just like a really mature 24 year old post about stickers and tiaras and minnie ears. oh ALSOOOO. i've been trying on all lady gaga's clothes for tour. no biggie really, JUST KIDDING IM FREAKING OUT. shelby assists the designer which somehow resulted in taking my measurements which resulted in me being the fit model. i don't really know. the point is i am getting paid to be fitted in lady gaga's clothes and i am well, dying. happy birthday to me :)

UPDATE UPDATEEE: November 12th. they are called candy canes. peppermint sticks? what was i thinking?? byeeee.

trick or treat.

2009-11-01T12:53:00.008-05:00

hi guys, it's me gene. here i am halloween-ing it up last night. and i'm not trying to brag and stuff.. no actually i am. my costume was AMAZING. i really did it up this year. now i will display in pictures me doing it up.

so there it is. gene simmons was a great success. i would like to thank beverlyheels.com for supplying me with the best tranny shoes a girl could ever ask for, morgan schweitzer for the amazing artistic-ness he covered my face with and mac makeup wipes for being able to take it all off. and also, all of my fans. because for real, last night i had so many.

famous.

2009-10-14T12:12:00.011-04:00

ok, i'm sure you all already know about this because you've most likely already picked up your 2010 toy and miniature poodle calendar BUT on the rare chance that you haven't, let me share the big exciting news with you.

it seems a member of my very own family is miss january! that's right. please direct your eyes to the top left corner of the second picture below which i have conveniently circled for you in neon green to see little scooby and max, my granma's dog, putting on their fiercest america's next top model faces.

i'm very proud of the little cuties but to be honest, they're looking a litttttleee bit stiff. you're miss january, boys!! loosen up!! roll around a little! and that cover girl?? she's looking a bit proper to have made the front spot, don't you think? that blue collar is totally washing her out! give the girl some bling!! this is the COVER for toy & miniature poodles 2010.

really, i'm only criticizing because i'm jealous. i wanted to be little miss poodle 2010. BUT. this isn't about me. this is about scooby. so congratulations, babe. don't let all this newfound fame go to your fluffy little head.

the saddest story ever told.

2009-10-12T09:47:00.007-04:00

sooo last night i was planning on going out but i decided to take a quick little power nap around 8:30 so i would be really energized and awake for a night on the town. flash forward to 3:04 AM when i am still tucked soundly into my comfy bed (seriously, STILL?? did somebody drug me??) when i was awoken by a text from my friend maxx. "lady gaga was at sway. she sang a song."

first of all. friends don't text friends about a secret surprise appearance and song by lady gaga AFTER the fact. friends CALL friends the second gaga enters the room so that the friend who is "napping" and OBSESSED with gaga can jump out of bed and into a cab. after she applies a little eyeliner. obviously.

it took me until 6:02 to even return to a peaceful sleep because i had to lay in bed tormented for three hours by the fact that ummm why was i SLEEPING when gaga was just like ohhh hey ok i'll go to the bar oh yeah i guess i'll sing. la la la paparazziiiii. well really, that's not entirely true. for about an hour, i stressed about the fact that i missed the gaga sing-a-long. for two hours, i stressed about the fact that some of my friends could have been at the bar to enjoy the gaga sing-a-long!! and i knowww that sound's really selfish and stuff but i guess i AM really selfish and stuff. and if i missed gaga, i don't want my friends to be with gaga having fun. i want everyone to be at home and miserable that they missed out on the party too.

and that is all. a quicker text message next time puh-leaseeee. long live lady gaga.

blah blah.

2009-10-01T23:21:00.016-04:00

i'm SOOOO excited for halloweeennnn. i think i'm going to have a really good costume this year. i've been planning it since last year when i was a real idiot too cool for school loser who decided not to do halloween. i know, i know, it's really lame. i had this weird thing where i was like "ewww i don't NEED to dress up for halloween. i dress up every day of the year so tonight i am NOT" really, that's what i said. it was even in a bratty tone of voice like it sounds and i am SO sorry for that temporary little slip of judgment. basically, i sulked in sequins while everyone else dressed like bananas and power rangers and kittens and stuff like normal fun halloween respecting people. anywayssss this year i'm going with a better attitude AND i am going to be gene simmons. ta-dah.

alsoooo jen gave me a new baby octopus ring. i don't really know if it's a baby but that makes it sound extra cuteee. (awwwww) see below in the smallest tiniest worst picture to show off my new blingaring. (omg was that kind of a really good new word!?? webster, where are you? i have good material here!!) anyways, ladies and gentlemen, my ring.

ANDDD i wore my bikini t-shirt in real life and not just like on a photo-shoot for my blog. (ooo that sound's uncool) anyways, it was a hit.

and for the grand finale, here's pictures of me and lea doing photobooth on my mac. i know i should be over it by now but i'm not. 4 pictures in 4 seconds?? that's so cool!!!

k bye goodnight.

it's a party in the usaaaaa.

2009-10-01T12:00:00.005-04:00

narcissism.

2009-09-25T01:11:00.008-04:00

i just discovered that i can do that fun little four pictures in five seconds thing on my computer. i always thought it was a fancy setting that people with special new macs that haven't been dropped on the floor 18 times have, but apparently i have it too. cool!

i have some little stories and things to tell but right now on the tyra show, people are talking about home plastic surgeries gone wrong and OH MY GOD this is quality, quality television. 2 girls had an unlicensed doctor inject 20 shots of who knowsss what into their butts to make them look like j.lo but instead they went to the hospital and now they can't sit down for the rest of their lives. no wonder this show won an emmy.

also, i think i'm going to try to wear polka dots everyday starting now. goodnight moon.

first position...

2009-09-20T10:19:00.010-04:00

today, my ipod died on the subway so i did ballerina poses to entertain myself for the other four stops that i had to ride music-less. not pirouettes or anything fancy like that (i wish) but just your basic first position, second position, third position type stuff. also, i used the subway pole to balance so i could see if i could get up on my toes. (i could) (sort of)

so anyways, i'm being a ballerina and stuff in first position which btw i'm incredible at and a man pointed at me and said "ballerina?" anddd naturally i said yes. i mean i know it's a lie but what kind of ass stands on the subway doing ballerina poses when they're NOT a ballerina?

in other news, i'm scared i'm turning crazy. i've developed all these bizarro fears and paranoias that are ridiculous. i'm seriousss, if i keep going down this route, i'm going to turn out to be one of those old ladies that tells you not to make funny faces because your face will stay like that. you know the type.

first of all, i'm scared of my apartment. i'm scared of my fire escape because i feel like someone can climb up the fire escape and kidnap me and i'm scared of our first floor big windows because they are huge and high up and i'm scared of falling out. BUT to make myself seem even crazier, i don't have these as 2 separate fears. what i'm ACTUALLY scared about is that somebody is going to climb up my fire escape, carry me to the first floor, and throw me out the window. see? (crazy)

ALSO. i'm scared of the subway stations. i'm almost positive that i am going to fall down the stairs and knock my teeth out. omg i'm one of those moms!! the ones that tell their kids not to run on the stairs but it's WORSE because it's ME telling me. i have gone insane. i'm almost positive that one day i am going to be walking down the stairs to catch the train and someone is going to come running behind me, i'll go flying forward and BAM my teeth are out. the other day, i actually covered my mouth while walking to catch the train so as to prevent the inevitable teeth knock out

basically, i'm a paranoid freak.

but i'm also a ballerina so whatevaaaa.

woops.

2009-09-17T03:40:00.006-04:00

my friend manase is leaving new york to pursue a life of fame and fortune in california. to celebrate his sad goodbye, i baked him cupcakes. (from a box, don't get too excited) it was the funfetti kind and the directions are literally: add cake mix, eggs, oil, and water to a bowl. i forgot the oil.

top chef, here i comeeeee.

i'm TIREDDDD.

2009-09-13T01:55:00.014-04:00

last night, i had a dream that the world was ending. there were balls of fire in the air and they kept crashing down and setting things aflame and i had to run as fast as i could to escape the burning buildings. i'm talking like video game style running- dashing, if you will, to dart around flames and rubble. i ran and ran. faster than i've ever run in my entire life. and then around 5:11 am i woke up and thought OMG I AM SO TIRED FROM RUNNING. it was exhausting. i wanted to dream of cotton candy and my-little-ponies and the spice girls but instead i had to lunge over buildings escaping my fiery death and the end of the world. can't a girl get a breakkk?? come onnnnn.

i'm going to bed now. please pleaseeee let me be laying on a beach or making best friends with gaga and the olsen twins. at a quiet place. in a comfortable chair. if i close my eyes and am doing jumping jacks and push ups, i am going to be furioussss. good nightttt...

and the verdict is..

2009-09-10T19:09:00.008-04:00

ok so after much time and deliberation, i have made a decision about the shoes. i picked neither. i figure if i can't afford to pay my rent, i probably can't afford fancy new shoes.

psycheeee i switched to the leopard. i'm still not 100% convinced with my decision but i think it's just because they are both SO good. thank you to all those who voiced their opinion and also sorry if i did the opposite of what you said. everybody can borrow them. i mean you, matthew mcdonald.

EMERGENCY EMERGENCYYYYYYY

2009-09-09T19:47:00.010-04:00

omg call 911 i'm having a serious problem and i need everyone's undivided attention!!!!!!

today to reward myself from the terrribleeee week i've been having, i bought myself my new favorite shoesss. the thing is i really shouldn't be spending money on shoes right now but these aren't really shoes. these are a life investment. because i'm going to probably wear them everyday. or at least reference them everyday in conversation. and then one day, i will pass them on to my daughter. or my gay son. PLUS they're reallly exclusive (ish) i think they're basically like sold out in the world but for some reason the new york topshop store just got them. andddd since i'm sort of bestiesss with mary-anne who works in the topshop shoe section (and by besties i mean i've called her everyday for the last month interrogating her on the whereabouts of my new shoes), she called me today to celebrate their arrival AND put them on hold for me. thanks girllllll. BAM sold. exceptttttt here's the thing.

mary-anne put the lepards on hold because duhhh i've been obsessing over them 4EVAAA. but when i got to the store the zebras were just looking soooo good too. i couldn't decide. i had to try both. i did a runway walk around the store. i stared at my feet in the mirror. i asked random shopper's opinions. i polled the staff. i suggested the idea of selling them mismatched (cool huh? they said no.) basically, i terrorized topshop and in the end i was still UNSURE. eventually i went with the zebra because well 1. i feel like more people are getting the leopard and 2. because one of the girls that worked at topshop said "i don't know, the leopard are kind of steve madden-y" which truthfully i don't really think is sooo bad but i mean she said it in a snobby voice which made me think the zebra were more special and fancy and stuff.

ANYWAYSSS. the zebra shoes are in my apartment and i'm still unsure. don't get me wrong i love them and my apt is like 500 times cooler now that they're apart of it but i just want to make absolutely sure i've made a good decision. i have the leopards on hold as backup because, well, that's the responsible thing to do and i'm really responsible. so i'm polling the audience and requesting a little crowd participation here (except for you mom. i know you don't think i should be buying anything) but everybody else: call me text me bbm me fax me page me i GOTTA settle this once and for all. and umm preferably by tomorrow because lea works next to topshop and it'd just be really convenient for her to do the switcharoo and stuff. (she chooses zebra. but she said leopard before she knew she had to carry the shoes to work if i change my mind. she cannot be trusted.)

okkk you know what to do! thanks love ya bye.

yay yayyy.

2009-09-04T12:24:00.008-04:00

dara is coming to new york this weekend to visit me and jen and we are soooo excited!!

in other news, i've just found out that my old apartment has mice and i'm freaking out over it even though we don't live there anymore. the girls said they came home to find two little mickeys hanging on their kitchen countertop. i would DIEEEEE. i die over finding the tiniest little bug. so trust me if there was a mouse (TWO!??!) i would be booking a hotel. i guess that sounds a little bit high maintenance. lea has this new thing after becoming all vegetarian and stuff where she can't kill bugs. something weird about them having an afterlife and all this mother theresa-y sounding bs. i say smash them and kill them as quick as you can. sorry peta. does peta care about bugs? probably. peta cares about evvvverything. talk about high maintenance. speaking of peta, i am SOOOO excited for winter and fur coats. i know i've already told you i'm ready for a weather change but i just thought i'd be as repetitive as possible by telling you i'm dying for it. i think i am going to chop my mongolian lamb fur coat from grandma length to cool cropped fashionista-y length. ew the word fashionista makes me want to throw up but you know what i mean. it's most likely going to be incrediblee. here's some paparazzi pics of me in furs for no reason other than the fact that like i am sooo cute. just kidding. sort of.

anyways that was rude and self involved sorry back to DARA YAYYYYYYYY!!! i can't wait to see you..

a story about shoes.

2009-09-03T11:38:00.002-04:00

i judge everybody by their shoes. i'm sorry if that sounds shallow but ummm this is just the way i was born. shoes are EVERYTHING. in to kill a mockingbird, atticus finch said somethinggg along the lines of "you can never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes" and i COMPLETELY agree. more importantly, though, i believe on judging a person by asking the question: would i WANT to walk a mile in their shoes. i know, it's deep. just call me aristotle.

on sunday, i was at the park and i happened to look down at the feet of a boy standing next to me and caught a glimpse of the most atrocious pair of shoes i have ever seen in my life. so atrocious, in fact, that i have googled the shoes to bring them to you now. shield your eyes.

HOWWWW terrible??! i put the picture up and then got nervous that if someone was just skimming my blog (you know like one of my international readers.. i have some... just sayin) and saw the shoe picture they may think that i'm writing an entry like OMG guys these are the cutest shoes ever i NEED them in my life. i have ensured this confusion will not happen by writing omg (bad).

they are toe shoes!!!!! toe shoes?? how foul. i don't even want to see anyone's toes in sandals so i most DEFINITELY do not want a covered shoe to be split into segments to look like toes. terrible.

anyways. i can't just leave off on this note of repulsiveness so allow me to bring you a pair of shoes that i believe are good! (heart heart heart)

beautiful print. beautiful design. beautiful shoes. now picture me wearing them with polka dot ankle socks that fold down with a little ruffle AWWWW and purple tights. i know, sounds like a dream right?? k byeeee.

good morning sunshine.

2009-09-01T10:47:00.008-04:00

hey hey hey how's my best girlfriends. it's been a long time since i've blogged, as usual, and i'm not really sure how to get back into the swing of things. i think i will start by showing you some new acquisitions to my closet because sometimes when i break out the modeling pictures, i find myself getting really funny and entertaining. you knoww?

ok SOOOO. remember a million years ago when i found the best shirt in the world on ebay aka the cutest little sexy bod bathing suit but psycheee nope it's a fat t-shirt- shirt? and then it ended up being junior mint baby size?? picture below for details.

ANYWAYS. the ebay shirt was the tiniest little baby thing i've ever seen so i complained for about 3 months and then decided to take action and try buying the bathing suit t-shirt again. ok... not to get all goldilocks with the t-shirts but i realllly feel like this one is a littttle bit too big... i know the whole point is for it to be a huge moo-moo shirt for a big fattie on the beach with a sexy bod painted on the front but is it SO much to ask for an adaptation of that that's also sort of a cute little mini-dress? i'd really love to find one that is justttt right. possibly leopard print? anyways i do enjoy the american flag print. and the really shiny barbie legs.

alsooo i just bought a new jacket. it's kind of amazing. it's 80s acid wash-y denim and big and puffy-esque and lined with really bad faded 90s flannel. i feel like the more i surround myself with jackets and tights and wintery things, the more winter will come to me. i am DONE with summer. i'm tired of ripped jean shorts. i'm tired of florals. i'm tired of bathing suits. i'm tired of the sun. all i want is to be walking to the subway layered in 800 sweaters and tights and boots complaining about how tired i am of sweaters and tights and boots and wishing i was wearing a floral bathing suit with ripped jean shorts and playing in the sun. anywaysssss. here's my new jacket. i posed seven different times in awkward positions so you could really truly see the beautiful craftmanship of the 80s atrociousness. you're welcomeeeee.

oh ALSOOOO i got a construction worker vest. i've been wanting one forever because i always think the construction workers and subway people look soooo cool so finally i went up to a construction worker in my neighborhood and asked and BAM. in my closet. hahah i love BAM. it really gets the point across doesn't it? anyways i said i needed it for a "very special fashion shoot"... aka this? shhhhh.

ok now i am going to tell a story that i realize is going to make me sound a little bit insane but wellll this is my blog so i can say whatever i want. BAM. (good, right?) anywaysss i've had this obsession with getting a nose job for the past 2 years. because my nose goes like down. instead of up. or something. anyways, let me point out my flaws to you here.

basically i'd love just a teensy little push on my nose and then i figure i'll go out one night and my friends will be like OMG you look AMAZINGGGG did you use a new eyeliner?? is your hair clean!!? but really i'll know. (nose job) the thing is. i know i don't reallllllly need a nose job. and i know this because my grandma says i don't. and trust me, she's not the type to just say something to be nice. BUT i stillll sort of like obsessing over it. SOOO the other night i decided to give myself my own little nose job (don't try this at home kids) actually DO because it works and i am a GENIUS!! so i had a little bit of masking tape in my drawer and i decided to ummmm tape my nose up. just a teensy little push you know? i didn't like glue my nose to the top of my face or anything, don't freak out. anywayssss, i left it on for a little bit and then BAM (sorry) new nose. i swearrrr it worked a little bit. i will be putting plastic surgeons out of business with my home remedies!!

andddddd that is all i have for you today. thank you for joining and i will speak to you soon. probably. if i don't forget i have a blog again or spend all my time stealing clothes from construction workers and performing arts and crafts surgery on my face. BYEEEE.

aruba jamaica oooo i want to take ya

2009-08-14T12:18:00.010-04:00

(aruba, not jamaica)

a tragedy.

2009-07-28T10:04:00.014-04:00

last night, i thought i was dying. i'm serious. the thought crossed my mind. all of a sudden, my temperature rose to literally 879 degrees. well not realllly literally but definitely somewhere close to that. it was the hottest i have ever felt in my entire life. i put my air conditioning on full blast and even then, my temperature was at least 748 degrees. it was AWFUL. i started saying my goodbyes to my room and planning who would get what. i deliriously texted maxx saying "i feel like jack in titanic. maybe i should just let go and die." nooo idea where the titanic reference came from or why i thought that was applicable or appropriate but i was DELIRIOUS. oh and also i told him "you can have my bike it's a good one" which i think is very considerate of me to be thinking so sweetly like that while on my death bed. really, i have not the faintest idea why i felt like leonardo dicaprio but i sort of like that i texted it because it's the closest i'll get to a drunk text and sometimes i feel a little left out from that whole drunk texting culture. just kidddinggg i don't (mom).

anyways, the point of the story is. last night, i almost died. and also today too. yes, it was already 117 degrees outside (estimates, guys, estimates) and i made the poor choice of wearing winter knee socks and combat boots (and a cute little polka dot summer dress just fyi) BUT i was SOOOO SOOOO hot. i was walking down the street like a crazy person stomping and sweating profusely, thermometer in mouth. i know that sounds a little over the top but my dad told me to take my temperature and then call him and i was on my way to work at this cuteeee little vintage store (omg VINTEDGE. it's in the antique showplace on 25th and 6th and you HAVE to come if you live in new york and you're not one of my many international readers) but anywaysss i thought sitting in the store with a thermometer in my mouth would realllly turn away the costumers so instead i multi-tasked and took my temperature on the way to work. it was 98.4. what a dissappointment right? all that "i'm dying, i'm dying" talk and its 98.4?? there is NO way. i know my temperature is at least 99.9. but whatevverrr. i guess i will live and i don't have to divide all my belongings amongst my friends and family. although for the record, jen, you were totally gonna get my sequins. isn't that nice? when i was younger, i used to LOVE those shel silverstein books with all the little poems and stories and there was one that i used to read ALL the time. it went like this:

now i lay me down to sleep

i pray the lord my soul to keep

and if i die before i wake

i pray the lord my toys to break

so none of the other kids can use them.

so touching. that really resonated with me. but clearly i have grown up into a lovely sharing individual and not the selfish little brat that re-read that poem every night before bed.

anyways, despite my anti-climatic temperature reading, i really do think i'm a little bit sick. send chex mix, flowers, and sequined sweaters to brooklyn.

oh just some modeling pics.

2009-07-25T00:17:00.008-04:00

i didn't go out last night because i was lazy and tired. instead, i had snapple lemonade and cheetos and took pictures of myself in my new hulk t-shirt.

the hulk shirt is SOOO good. it's almost impossible to put it on without wanting to make the hulk upside-down smile pouty face. verrrry difficult to replicate but i really tried. oh and also while i was at it, i had to show off my nail polish AND do the artsy bangs in the face picture because i couldn't JUST do hulk faces. that would be boring. and then also while i was at THAT, i decided to get some hat accessories because i couldn't be JUST wearing the hulk t-shirt with hulk faces without also throwing in my new marching band hat and mickey ears. ya know? i love the marching band hat SOOOO much. it's really really something. at first, i bought it and thought hmmmm this is a great little prop to decorate my room. turns out, it's an even greater little prop to decorate my head. i want to wear it every day but ALSO i bought mickey ears from party city and i want to wear them every day too. it's a real scheduling dilemma. i find that life is a lot more fun when you have props on your head.

i also bought a blondie t-shirt which is incredible in it's own way but doesn't really compare to the hulk. no offense, debs. i mean she has realllly incredible make up and hair but the hulk has bulging veins that actually stick out of the t-shirt. but blondie was a good buy too, for a day when i feel like wearing a fancier t-shirt. i bought it because it reminded me of a funny story about my mom at a blondie concert but when i left the store i realized that the blondie concert was actually with my dad and the funny story with my mom was at a kenny loggins concert. whateverrrrr. ok fineee, i'll tell you the story since you're probably on the edge of your seats now wondering about it. one time, we went to an outdoor kenny loggins concert. you know kenny? he sings that all time great rock and roll hit- "help me if you can.. i've gotta get back to the house at pooh corner by one.. you'd be surprised, there's so much to be done..." something about counting bees in the hive and chasing clouds in the sky... (ok i'm not going to lie i know the EXACT words to the song but that just seems SO uncool) ANYWAYS. we had bought subs and drinks before the concert and of course the security guards would not let us in with the food so instead of being a normal family and eating them before we went into the concert, my mom had us hide the food. eighteen different times. so that we could be repeatedly rejected entry. it was honestly something like "ummm sorry maam.. we're going to have to have you open your bag. hmmm, the subs again. yep. you're going to have to take that outside of the gates." and then round two.. "righttttt... um sir, is that a sub in your left sleeve? yep, really sorry but we can't let you in with that." round three. "the family has subs down their pants. do NOT let them in with the food."

anywaysssss after the 38th rejection, we ate the subs outside like a nice normal family and then joined the mosh pit inside for the raging sounds of kenny loggings. and now i have a beautiful blondie t-shirt to commemorate the night.

xoxo gossip girl.

oh geeezzz.

2009-07-23T11:13:00.023-04:00

so this time i have legitimate reasons for not blogging. god, i love the word legitimate. it sounds so legitimate.

ANYWAYSSSS. our wireless died. can you believe it? i am EXASPERATED. and linksys, the little bitches excuseeeeeee my language that make our router were not at all willing to help me. at all!!!

this is how our conversation went:

me: hiii good evening, i hope you are having a lovelyyyy day. our wireless is broken. it stopped working 5 days ago. we payed 30 dollars to set up the wireless 3 weeks ago. can you please help us get it up and running again!? it would be MUCH appreciated. (smile smile nice nice i SWEAR i was cheery and chipper)

computer devils: yes of course we are happy to help you after you pay another 40 dollars.

me: that is UNACCEPTABLE! we will NOT pay 70 dollars for 3 weeks of internet. i am APPALLED. i am FURIOUS. i am DISSAPPOINTED. i am FRENETIC. (i am thesaurusing synonyms for furious) pleaseeee can you help us? it will take you 3 seconds.

computer devils: yes of course we are happy to help you after you pay another 40 dollars.

me: let me talk to your supervisor

supervisor devil number 1: yes of course we are happy to help you after you pay another 40 dollars.

me: UNNACCEPTABLE AGAIN!! let me talk to YOUR supervisor.

supervisor devil number 2: yes of course we are happy to help you after you pay another 40 dollars.

me: I AM INFURIATED. let me talk to YOUR supervisor.

supervisior devil number 3: yes of course we are happy to help you after you pay another 40 dollars.

me: THIS IS ENRAGING. let me talk to YOUR supervisor.

supervisor devil number 3: i don't have a supervisor.

and now WE don't have wireless. UGHHHHHH.

it is really quite terrible. you see how i say quite? isn't that cute? that is because i have been hanging out with adorable brits and their posh-ness is rubbing off on me. but just a little bit.

ANYWAYS. not having wireless means in order to use the internet you must have your computer plugged in. (duh, i know.) and in our apartment, having the computer plugged in means you are using the tiniest little mini baby junior cord that can barely even wrap around my wrist as a bracelet!! when you are plugged in you are PLUGGED IN. you are basically sitting on the router. you are eating the cable box. your nose is pressed to the tv. all just to check a little facebook and write a little blog. terrible.

but while i'm here. i may as well share with you some thoughts. i saw a little girl going to karate class yesterday. she was SOOOO cute. punching and kicking and jumping in her little white outfit. she was only a white belt so clearly she totally sucks at karate but the idea of karate class is realllly appealing to me. you are basically doing a sport just to get outfits. AND when you've reached the ultimate pinacle of outfit chic-ness aka the black and white suit, you also have the ability to beat up robbers and chop wood boards with your hands. A-MAZINGGG.

one time, i tried to do a sport for an outfit. i did a season of soccer. i love talking about it because it is really the only athletic-ness of my life. i never really say it was just a season either. i like to throw it in when people give me this look of shock like WHAT? you didn't do SPORTS? and then i say i mean... i did soccer in highschool. little do they know it was for the uniform. totally backfired on me though. i got stuck with baby blue. NO ONE wants baby blue. i was hoping for purple or black and white polka-dot. nope. i had blue. and my coach made us match our socks so you couldn't even get creative.

also, jen and i saw 500 days of summer the other day. it was soooo good. now i feel like i should cut my bangs so i can be like zooey deschanel because she is the cutestttt. i bought popcorn and it was like 17 dollars or something ridiculous. i say 17 because really it was 7 and that doesn't sound worth blogging about but really it is quite atrocious. quite. awww, so cute. i was wearing the cutest little floral dress but i didn't want to butter it up so i sat through the movie with my dress tucked and looped like a midriff circa 4th grade and let my little shorts be butter pants. you always have to have butter pants at the movies. i have a pair of jeans that are my movie theater butter jeans. they are stained and greased and perfection for eating 17 dollar movie theater popcorn. with layered butter. yum.

in other news, i need new picture faces. lately, i've been really stuck on dead face and obnoxious face.

(dead)

(obnoxious)

they are terrible and repetitive. i need new looks. and i REALLY need wireless internet. love yaaa.

are you there blog? it's me, lauren.

2009-07-11T10:53:00.026-04:00

i'm baaaccckkkkk. i'm always back. i think that will just be my standard greeting when i'm blogging from now on. anywayssss did you miss me? actually i kind of know you did because like evvvvvvverybody (emphasis on the v's because seriously guys, everybody) has been begging me to blog. you're welcome.

woooo today is my favorite holiday aka 7/11 aka free slurpee day and i am sooo excited. last year on 7/11, the little tricksters at the gramercy 7-11 put an out of order sign on the slurpee machine. it was abominable. so instead we filled our free slurpee cups with hot chocolate and marshmallows and it was nowhere near the same but i was NOT about to leave empty handed on free slurpee day. this year, i am hoping they will be more prepared for my arrival.

so lea and i moved into our new apartment. we are officially brooklyners. or brooklynites. ooo brooklynites i love that, i will use that. anyways we live in BK which is great and stuff but i have no idea where anything in brooklyn is. so if my apartment is not in my sight, i am lost. streets are incredibly more difficult when they are not in number order and when you have the WORST sense of direction in the world. also, we have an ice cream man that works like 21 hours a day. REALLY. the ice cream truck music is the new soundtrack to my life. which is reallllly annoying because the old soundtrack to my life was seal- kiss from a rose and i liked that SOOOO much better. honestly. it was ALWAYS in my head. and now it's like a twinkling little ice cream song which is really awful and i can't even sing along.

also. i bought this dress from american apparel and i love love loveeee it.

i knowwww... you're not supposed to love american apparel because like every boy and girl and dad and hipster on the street has the same thing but i don't care i LOVE. it's comfortable and convertible and just kind of great. i plan on wearing it every day this summer. its the perfect little dress to accessorize. stacy doesn't like it. she says it's "boring" but she also told me that when painting my frame neon green, the paint DEFINITELY wouldn't get on the floor if i layed it on fabric and guess what. it DID get on the floor. (shhhh don't tell lea) so i have decided to dis-credit everything stacy says from now on. anyways, my new dress. so far, i just did the socks and creepers look which i know is a little bit boring but don't worry.. i have plans for minnie ears and bling and a marching band hat and sequins and shoulder-padded blazers and stuff. (rip michael) so anyways. that is my summer wardrobe schedule. i feel that it is very creative and economical.

lately, all i want to do is dress like minnie mouse but my outfits keep channeling a.c. slater. i reallllly need to sort myself out.

OH!! jen and i are starting a band. we are going to play the tambourines and they are going to be bedazzled. if you would like us to play at any of your functions, please let me know. we don't have the tambourines or any sort of songs worked out yet but i'm 96% sure we are going to be amazing so feel free to book in advance.

happy slurpee day.

clothes and stuff

2009-06-15T20:56:00.008-04:00

so i just realized that the reason my posts have been sooo much less frequent is because i am not spilling over with hilarious stories from yoga class because i ummm skipped one week and then forgot about it for the last month? woopssss. oh well.. i needed a break. the last yoga class i went to, i was just NOT in the mood and decided that while everyone was getting all yoga-y, i would lay on the floor and relax. not even in child's pose or ANYTHING. (i know, i'm a rebel) and THEN my teacher kept coming around and trying to position me into yoga poses!! it was terrible. so terrible that i completely eternal sunshined the whole event and, well, here i am, so many weeks later and yoga has completely slipped my mind. i shouldddd start it up again but i'm also just getting a littttle antsy about the whole mk olsen situation (happy bday 2 days ago babe) and not running into her and all, even though like everyone of my friends seems to have no problem running into yoga class and spotting her on the mats. i am so unlucky sometimes.

more importantly though, today while i was on the west side buying a rack for my new room, i passed by a magical place with a lovely little going out of sale sign. i'm sort of just saying "magical place" because i am selfish and i don't want anyone else going here. i really do have issues with this sort of thing. in 6th grade, there was a realllyy cool pair of mudd jeans with black and white stripes down the side so i bought a pair and then took the other 17 pairs and hid them under a baby crib on the opposite side of jcpenney. and six years later i won best dressed in senior superlatives so i meannnnnn a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. ya know?

ANYWAYS. fine. its odds costume rental and its on 29th st and 8th avenue. now my karma will be better. i should have taken pictures at odds so i could fully explain the magnitude of what i walked into but i was too consumed with the thought of needing to own everything in the store while at the same time keeping the place a secret from everyone i knew. it was fashion CHAOS. sequins and sweaters and prints and spandex and military jackets and pirate shirts and 70s dresses and sunglasses and furs and feathers and OMG it was stressful. also, i know you probably think i'm really athletic and stuff because of how diligently i did yoga for so long but i am actually sort of really lazy and yet you would be AMAZED at the lengths i will go to for good clothes. i was honestly charging through aisles with my shopping cart to grab a band hat before someone else could get to it and stacking ladders on top of each other to spiderman jump to a mesh section at the top of the rack.

it was EXHAUSTING. i had to call in a 911 leave work now and COME HERE IMMEDIATELY to bff jen remark to take in the craziness with me. i also employed her clothes approval and veto services where we painstakingly went through my cart with analyses like "right, but why do i really NEEDDD this band hat?" (i really did need it.) and "but should i get the shirt?.. well it's sort of big but it DOES have hamburgers on it..." you know. the usual.

i ended up leaving with three things. i know thats really anti-climactic for the dramatic freak out i just had over the whole costume place but the truth is odd's costume rental was a little ODD with their prices and umm if you're going out of business, i don't really want to spend 35 dollars on a sequined sweater of cats.

but anyways. my things are good and i should really do the whole sha-bang with my gloomy pictures and witty commentary so i can show you my odds acquisitions and some other recent things i kinda loveee but i am tired and also need to pack up my life into 500 duffel bags for the big move on friday. but SOON!!!

i guessssss, if you're in new york, go to odds. you are SO welcome.

its offficiiaaaaallllllll.

2009-06-10T15:32:00.010-04:00

we're moving in!!! and i have the keys to prove it. and 2 copies of the keys that i'm almost 87% sure will not work because they look like plastic keys that i would play with when i was a baby.

ALSO. my camera is back to me!!!! i am thrilled. well, not thrilled. i am satisfied and excited to resume my lifestyle of obsessive and annoying picture taking. thrilled would be if the geek squad had decided that my camera was in such terrible condition that they chose to let me pick out a brand new camera. one that came in the option of neon colors. in a sequin camera case. oooo that sounds too good to be true. but i guess it is.

anywayssss, my little baby camera is back. with all its little scratches and dents but hopefully not with smoke pouring out of the cracks this time. although it was a lovely special effect.

mmkkk well i am going now to update my resume. aka spend 3 hours thesaurus.com-ing words like coordinate, manage, delegate and communication.

if i ever end up in hell, i think i will be sitting in a room writing cover letters and resumes. FOREVER. oh and probably also wearing tevas because i reallllllly despise tevas.

lea says i'm not allowed to do this.

2009-06-08T22:37:00.006-04:00

but whatevaaaa. i am DOING IT. this is our newwwww apartment. well almost. it's not official because we have not officially signed the lease and i do not officially have the keys in my hand but ronny the broker says it is a DONE DEAL. its soooo pretty and also a little bit fancy which i don't really care about but i mean i guess it's nice to be a little fancy sometimes in life. most importantly it is a duplex which is basically my dream in an apartment because that makes it soooo cute and like a darling little house! awww!! haha. darling. i think that is the first time i've ever used that word in my life. i don't think i liked that. AND. it has three bathrooms. also unnecessary but we are going to have a woooo!! we moved!! party and everyone can just pee all over the place. so get excitedddd. brooklyn here we comeeeee.

funniness and a frozen turkey

2009-06-08T01:24:00.007-04:00

so, i just want to say.. despite my lack of posting lately, it has come to my attention that people think i'm hilarious. and i mean, really, you don't need to tell me twice. if anyone thinks i'm hysterical, it's me. i think thats actually what makes my incredible wittiness a little bit less impressive because for every hilarious blog post you read, i'm re-reading and congratulating myself on what a funny person i have turned out to be. hahah just kiddddinggg. sort of. no, i'm not kidding really. that was the kind of just kidding you throw in because you SHOULD be just kidding but you're like nahhh i mean what im saying. but seriously, i am so funny that barbara was "peeing her pants". she's kind of easily entertained though so i will also include photographic evidence of someone telling me how hilarious i am.

no jokes. just sayin.

anywaysssss, allow me to take a break from my hilarity to tell you a tragic story. welllllll, i was in richmond this past weekend and while we were driving, my cousin told me a horrific story about a horrendous highway accident in arizona. the highway alone is terrible enough to me, but there's more. apparently, a woman was driving when a group of teenagers threw a 20 pound frozen turkey out of their car window which then crashed threw the woman's windshield and hit her in the face. AHHHH. it is the most terrible story and one i wish i had never heard because i was hallucinating frozen turkeys flying at my face every second i was behind the wheel and i am scared it may stick with me for the rest of my life. terrible.

i like these.

2009-05-27T00:07:00.001-04:00

things to say

2009-05-26T19:47:00.010-04:00

i'm very bad at consistently updating this but today, i feel that i have some bloggable things to say. god, blog is like THE dorkiest word isn't it?

anywaysss, i've had some very important life changes lately. the first being i had two flights that were ON TIME. for normal people with good luck and karma and all that stuff this aint no thang but for me this is like MAGIC. i have spent the past 23 years of my life on delayed and canceled flights. all while maintaining a sunny and pleasant disposition, might i add. but on this particular trip to and from richmond, it was like BAM flights at 6:00? let's take off at 5:59! wanna get back to new york by 8:30? BAM. in the gate by 8:15. yuppp. things are looking up for me.

alsoooo, the second thing is i left my job to pursue other creative endeavors. basically, i am retired. just kiddinggg but realllly it's kind of a big deal. and creative endeavors sounds pretty good to me. i have projects in the works. ill keep you updated when i feel they are bloggable enough.

i also have some things to say about my day today. ok here i go. after a productive morning of shortening, sewing, and pocketing.. (adding pockets? i dont know... it needed an ing on the end), i decided to continue my productivity and do my little errands. first, i dropped my camera off at best buy to be sent away and fixed.. or replaced (replaced i hopeeee). this was sort of a tragedy for me. i felt like i was giving away my baby. my little baby that smokes when i take too many pictures in a row. and my little baby with an annoying scribble on the screen that seems to be there for no other apparent reason than to freak my friends out when i playback pictures and they think there is some weird stain on their clothes or smudge on their faces. i will actually really miss those reactions. but the time has come to send my little canon away for hopefully something newer and prettier and more updated (i'm not that attached.. clearly)

thennnn i went to the phone store to replace my phone cover that has mysteriously cracked after dropping my phone 308 times. thank god for warranties. so you know how these phone places are... you sit, you wait, you walk around, wait some more. well today i sat. i waited. i walked. and i sat again. for 48 minutes. and then i made the cell phone man open three different cases to find my exact phone cover to replace but to my surprise it was NOWHERE to be found. exasperated, i said "they told me i could go to ANY verizon store and they would have it" to which he replied.. "this is sprint"

WHOOPSIESSSSS.

12 minutes later, i spent 53 minutes waiting at verizon (i checked this time) which apparently also serves as a veterinarian office. really, 3 people brought their dogs. 1 person had 2 dogs, the rest had 1 each. this makes 4 little dogs in 1 little verizon store, 2 of whom were fighting and 2 of whom were like smelling eachothers butts or something gross and unsanitary that dogs do. is this an SAT problem solving equation or what? well i'll tell you what this all adds up to. the answer is ANNOYING. i have no compassion for little fighting, smelling animals. anywayssss 53 minutes later, verizon told me that they did not have black cell phone covers and nope sorry we can only exchange for the exact color. welll welll welllll i did NOT use my sunny airport disposition and ta-dah. my little black cracked cover was replaced with a shiny new blue metallic cover. thanks babeeees.

also a bottle of lotion exploded in my bag. but i really have no jokes about that or ways to make it funny and worth reading. there were no up-sides. it wasn't even a beautiful smelling lotion that would at least make my purse smell like roses or vanilla or cucumber melon. it's just grossness and now my entire life, which i carry with me like mary poppins in my bag, is covered in unscented lotion.

WHAT A DAY.

12:52 am

2009-05-22T00:39:00.003-04:00

awww.

2009-05-21T13:05:00.007-04:00

remember me?

2009-05-21T12:30:00.005-04:00

hiii. here i am again.

i just found this "memo" i left for myself a few months ago in my handy dandy (ew i've never said handy dandy before in my life) memo-pad in my blackberry.

I NEED THESE THINGS

floral anything
crop tops
colorful socks
shoes to go with my colorful socks
stud things
bubbleicious
chains on my jean shorts
mickey ears. sequin? probably
do i want bangs? maybeee
dress up more you are lazy.

god i'm so organized.

if you're a bird, i'm a bird.

2009-05-14T00:15:00.009-04:00

i found these pictures from last summer at the coney island mermaid parade and fell in love with my friends all over again. awww. it was one of the funnest days of summer. summer!!!!!!!!! now get your act together new york and stop this rain.

awwwwuhh.

2009-05-12T22:01:00.002-04:00

i've been a very bad poster lately and i'm sure somewhere in me i can find interesting and exciting things to talk about but at the moment i am entirely invested in the real housewives of new york reunion and i must give the ladies my complete undivided attention. for now, i will leave you with a wonderful little picture of me, lea, liz, and jen at union pool last night. you have no idea how long it took us to figure out how to divide ourselves to have equal photobooth time with each-other. clearly, we are not mathemeticians so i decided to shove my face in the camera and call it a day. typical. whatevaaa.

flair.

2009-05-06T00:56:00.003-04:00

today, my outfit had a lot of "aspects". allow me to state the obvious in colorful bad handwriting.

stairs.

2009-05-05T21:48:00.012-04:00

our elevator is broken. we live on the fifth floor. the first two floors are duplexes so we have to walk SEVEN floors to get home. i know seven floors doesn't sound like a lot but trust me. it is. these are not little baby floors, these are FLOORS. if i lived on the eighth floor i would literally park a tent in the lobby and call it a day. a month, actually. the elevator will be out for A MONTH. the truth is, i shouldn't be complaining. but yeah nope, that's not stopping me. our management company has so nicely decided to take 900 dollars off our rent this month which is amaaaaaazing. really completely incredible. but i'm still not exactly marching up the stairs with a smile. apparently, i am THE most out of shape person. i know, i know, it's shocking considering the extensive yoga training i have been partaking in but i am really, like, weak and lazy. i literally fall into my apartment every day sweating and panting like i've run a 10k. i don't get it. lea and i have discussed and she thinks that hulk hogan WOULD get winded walking to the fifth floor but lance armstrong and marathon runners would not. endurance trainers, if you will. she thinks that hulk's weight-lifting would still not be enough to propel him up our stairs without breaking a sweat. so at least i am not alone. basically, it's just a really terrible situation. i tipped a delivery man 5 dollars on a bagel the other day because i felt so bad about the trek he had to take to get to me. and also felt like punishing myself for being lazy enough to have a bagel delivered to my apartment. anywaysssss. that's my life these days. at least it makes for good photoshoots in the stairway.

yogarama.

2009-05-03T21:53:00.005-04:00

i know i've had a lot of yoga talk recently but for some reason i just feel that i have so much to talk about every time i do it. tonight, jen talked naomi and i into taking a yoga class at club h. i was hesitant because that meant straying from my beloved yoga to the people and also meant i was doing warriors and downward dogs without even the smallest chance of a mary kate sighting. anyways. i caved and did the fancy gym style yoga. enter richard, my adorable flamboyant yogi. (yoga people are called yogis, fyi for you novices..) richard wasn't into the dramatic ahhhhsss but he was very into the hommmmmssss. very spiritual. it was a lot of yoga language. so we manaste'd and chicarangua'd and shivaste'd all class. and also talked about butts. really. richard would say now chicarangua your manaste and put your hand on your butt while in anase. move your butt flesh and pour your heart into a tavasha. i'm SERIOUS. i love shivasa-ing. i think there may be a specific way you are supposed to be posed for your shivasa (take my terminology verrrry loosely) but for my purposes, it's basically a lovely little nap. the boy next to me overdid his shivasa and was snoring. ALSO. people were doing hand stands and walking on their elbows and things like that. there was legitimate acrobatics involved. richard instructed all the beginner yogis to stay behind so while naomi and i were attempting to spread our feet hips width apart and put our hands above our heads, expert yogis were balancing on one finger and doing lotus positions while floating in mid air. one day...

gagarama.

2009-05-03T21:03:00.006-04:00

so. last night i went to lady gaga's concert. i went feeling a little too cool for school, saying i had heard only 2 songs, and left realizing i knew the words to every single one. i may as well have gone covered in glitter with a hair bow. that gaga. i'm completely entranced by this persona she has created for herself. it's unreal. and even more impressive is that she sticks to it. she must sit on airplanes in sequined leotards and 6 inch stilettos. i mean. i love a bedazzled outfit but i'd die without the option of a messy tee and some sort of ripped bottom. and she's SOOOOO good. realllllly good. not like me doing my american idol voice good. she's like legitimately completely amazing. i've changed my ringtone and watched her acoustic version of paparazzi like 700 times in her honor. yupppp. i've now seen hillary duff, ashlee simpson, and lady gaga in concert. i am officially a 14 year old girl. or a gay man. take your pick.

bam.

2009-05-03T11:10:00.014-04:00

doo do do doooooo. (read to the tune of opening music. like that bugle sound. you know what i'm talking about)

my new favorite things. oh, and as usual, sorry for the pouty faces but i'm pretty sure everything looks 10% cooler when i'm not smiling.

my new best sweatshirt. it's so lovely in it's boringness. i love saying lovely. it sounds so. lovely, i guess. and i think you can never go wrong with horizontal stripes. i'll probably change my mind later but for now it was 5 dollars and i'm happy.

there's not really anything exciting to say about this. just another gem to add to my collections of XL dirty t-shirts that may be worn with or without pants. AND. it goes perfectly with my treasured collection of fake motorcycle tattoos. great.

6 minutes before i bought these shorts, i was thinking how much i hated high-waisted pants and that i would never be caught dead in a high waist again. a fashion faux paux, if you will. (i have no idea if i used that term correctly, according to wikipedia, i did not. whatevaaa) anywayssss, then i walked into metropolis and bought high-waisted shorts. i'm a hypocrite.

this is my new fave because it is leopard print and can be put in the category "gross 90s" which apparently is what i am gravitating to recently. i feel like it's one of those shirts that a cool mom would wear to her child's school picnic. also it ties on the sleeves which i am sort of against but trying to embrace so i can just let the shirt be who it is. the only thing that would make this more desirable is a snap crotch. very 1994 trendy mom. love it.

for my 21st birthday, we went to a line dancing bar in st. louis. we all wore flannels. i may or may not have been wearing cowboy boots. apparently line dancing is not a joke and flannels and boots are not appropriate. the regulars line danced like pros in jeans and tees, we attempted to line dance in ridiculous costumes. we were terrible and we looked like idiots. it was the best birthday. this shirt would have been perfection.

someone tried tricking me out of buying this. she said she had tried it on and the zipper was broken and that i should put it back. and then she loitered waiting for me to release the goods. sorry for her but i cannot be fooled. especially when dealing with sequined shoulderpads and beaded fringe. not a chance. i went in the dressing room and ZPPPPPP.. zipped perfectly. in your face, sequin stealer. and it was 20 dollars. boooyaaa. my closet is exploding sequin costumes these days and i am thrilled.

k thanks love ya byeee.

good morningggggg america.

2009-05-01T11:55:00.008-04:00

this morning, mel and i went to the today show to see no doubt. i wanted to go at 4. she wanted to go at 7. she said we weren't 14 and did not need to be in the front row. i said i was 15 and did need to be in the front row. we compromised on 7:20. we were in the back.

i honestly did not see gwen stefani at all. but everybody else and their moms did. really, there were a lot of moms. dads, too. it was a bizarro crowd for a band that was most popular when i was 13. the only times i would actually catch a glimpse of gwen were through other people's cameras. i would jump up and down and strain my neck and she would be nowhere to be found and then bam. on the foreigner's camera in front of me. she was an optical illusion. anyways, "sorry i'm not home right now, walking in a spiderweb", is one of the most terrible/best lyrics.

YES!

2009-04-30T17:22:00.004-04:00

that was too easy. LADY GAGA!!! see you saturday night. fo FREE!!

yeah yeahhhh

2009-04-30T13:35:00.009-04:00

my yoga instructor was a real pain in the ass today. literally. i am hurting. that's too much energy to expend at 7 am. and he was wearing a button down shirt. i find that highly inappropriate for yoga class. he should be in like spandex and yoga pants and yoga shoes and a yoga hat. he is the INSTRUCTOR. he just walks around telling everyone else what to do and making some breathing noises here and there to encourage weirdness. i'm questioning if he actually even knows yoga, to be honest. it must be easy to instruct everyone on the leaping frog warrior dog pose when you're just pacing the room in business casual attire.

in other news, lady gaga is SOOO good. god.

arts and crafts.

2009-04-30T08:57:00.003-04:00

i bought chains from home depot the other day and made a necklace. i wish i could say that in a funnier way for your reading entertainment but there's really not much wittiness about it. it's really good though and i think i should be able to wear it at least 3 more times before my head falls off. i hate the smell of home depot.

ooolalaaaa.

2009-04-24T19:42:00.007-04:00

yesterday, when i was at saks working on a freelance job, i asked michael in studio services if i could try on wedding dresses the next time i came in. i was sort of kiddinggg.. actually no i was completely serious. i had caught a glimpse of a soon-to-be-bride being ridiculous in the bridal room and also it sounded like more fun than shopping for an avon body wash ad. oh, and i also asked for him to have candy in his office.

sure enoughhhhh this morning when i got to saks, michael, bff and love of my life, had two 10,000 dollar wedding dresses waiting for me. and a bowl of chocolates. awwwww. i do.

(i know this is a lot of pictures but ummm this is kind of a special day for me ok?)

new addition to the family.

2009-04-23T01:24:00.002-04:00

baby lizard ring from jen. i love it i love it. i will cherish it with all my heart and love it like i love my sweet baby fox. and i will try realllllly hard to to be responsible and hold on to it at all times. thank you.

worst dressed 08

2009-04-22T23:51:00.013-04:00

the fun thing about dressing the way i do and taking as many pictures as i take is that every few months i get to go back and have my own mini worst-dressed list. i've discovered tonight through careful dissection of my i-photo library that my worst outfits tend to fall on the nights i decide to forgo pants .. unfortunately for me, this is 99% of the time. anyways. below are a few gems i have found along the way. shield your eyes.

i think i honestly thought. what would be realllly necessary for a fun night? a bowling ball, a straw hat, a mexican shirt, and leopard socks. PERFECT.

somebody take the orange heels away from me PLEASE. i got them in italy 5 YEARS AGO. get over ittttt. lovely hair bow though.

i spent more money on the 1 pound sugar daddy than my entire outfit.

one time, i wore this.

ok fine, if i'm going to embarass myself, i may as well do it honestly. one time, i wore this.

and this...

stripes, diaper shorts, moccassins? chloe?? it's time to let the bag go. really. no matter how "really excited yeahhhh hahaa" that you were. give it up.

oh umm haaayyy guys i just didn't want you to forget where i lived. and that i love sequins! and spandex! oh fine, forget it. i actually like this outfit.

this vest was funny. so funny that i spent 13 dollars to take it home with me and be even funnier.

really, the best thing to wear with high waisted american flag shorts is the vest i used to wear as a waitress. and tie-dye. and tights. and keds. OH MY GOD. get a mirror.

very flattering.

in case you can't tell, these tights sparkle. i don't really think i need to say more? oh, the saddle shoes.

the point of the story is. sometimes i wear ugly things. it's not to say that i'll stop wearing them. or even that i'll start wearing pants. i'm just saying that i'm aware.

inspiration

2009-04-21T21:09:00.003-04:00

in other news...

2009-04-21T11:40:00.006-04:00

it has also been brought to my attention that yoga for the people is actually yoga TO the people. oops.

i had an exhilarating class today. still don't know my left and right but the pigeon sit was terrible so i'm assuming i'm starting to do things correctly. the girl in front of me honestly thought she was on cirque du soleil or something. (i just had to google that like 3 times to get it spelled correctly) really, she thought she was the yoga queen. it was like ok babe we get it. you're good at yoga. no need to do a backwards bend and triple flip when the teacher just tells you to touch your toes.

also my yoga teacher said i was the star of the class. not trying to brag or anything. you know, just sayin...

ATTENTION ATTENTION

2009-04-21T00:04:00.004-04:00

it has just been brought to my attention that my friend dave did yoga at yoga for the people last sunday NEXT TO AN OLSEN.

i am furious. and i know there is NO way michelle tanner will be waking up tomorrow morning at 7 am to do yoga moves to the sweet sound of the gong.

either way, i'll be up again bright and early. hoping.

brooklyn.

2009-04-20T20:58:00.001-04:00

child's pose please.

2009-04-16T09:06:00.014-04:00

this morning, i woke up at 6 am and did a yoga class. YUP that's right i awoke with the sun and did early morning yoga at yoga for the people on st. marks.

i'm not sure what motivated me more- the fact that it's almost summer and time to shape up or the fact that i heard there was a mary-kate olsen spotting at yoga for the people a few months back. ok let's not kid ourselves, we obviously know why i went.

ANYWAYS. yoga is the most ridiculous thing. talk about a bunch of over-acters. is it REALLLY necessary to exhale by saying AHHHHHH, are you really thatttt refreshed and relaxed when exhaling? get yourself into a drama class people.

but really, if this class taught me anything it's that i have NO concept of left and right. you'd think after 23 years, i'd have gotten a clue- but honestly, no idea. i've always done that little hand trick, where the hand that's an L is left but when you're in the peeing dog position and one hand is twisted around your butt and the other is like, making gun signs in the air, my hand is not available for the L trick and i am completely lost.

it's a bit too spiritual for me too, to be honest. i'm not really the type to be one with nature, lifting my heart to the ceiling while listening to a 7th grade sarah mclaughlin cd, but fine, i'll take it. i only wish the place had mirrors so i could see just how much of an ass i made of myself.

when we started the class, we did "child's pose" and the teacher said something along the lines of "if during the class, your body is telling you to go back to child's pose, follow that. go to child's pose" and i was thinking. my body would NEVER tell me to go to child's pose- i haven't even the faintest idea of what child's pose is. and then came the crouching tiger, hidden dragon, doggie dance or something and i have never been more familiar with child's pose in my life. my body was screaming child's pose.

then there was a move called the pigeon sit. or something. peacock? i don't know. the teacher said when he started yoga, it was the hardest thing he had ever done. and i mean, not to brag or anything, but it didn't hurt me a bit. so either i'm a serious yoga pro and need to be teaching the class next week, or i should go in a few minutes early next time and ask for someone to teach me the correct way to do yoga.

also, one girl wore a bodysuit. what a show off. but i'm definitely wearing one next time. if i'm waking up with the birds, i'm at least going to do it with style.

OHHH. and at the end of the class, the teacher played a GONG! a gong?! the last time someone played a gong, i was in 3rd grade on stage at the pinchbeck elementary school gong show wearing a mexican dress and a side ponytail, shaking a maraca to la bamba with 7 of my friends.

to conclude, i think yoga is completely absurd and i will continue to go 3 times a week mostly because it's funny and another excuse to wear a leotard.

oh, and also for mary-kate. always, for mary-kate.

UPDATE UPDATE!!

2009-04-13T12:56:00.002-04:00

so remember my new most prized possession- my beautiful 80s ebay bikini shirt? welllll. imagine my excitment when it came in the mail to my house and then imagine my dismay when the shirt was made for the size of a build-a-bear!! i'm SERIOUS- it says one size fits most but what they forgot to say was one size fits most BABIES. thanks a lot matthew from seattle, now i know why your feedback is only 99.3%! because .07 percent of the time you trick people with baby bikini t-shirts.

UGHHHHHH. all i wanted to do was wear the bikini shirt as a cute little summer dress so that people would be like wowww nice bod, great bathing suit, omg wait no! that's a t-shirt!? but i'm not fooling ANYBODY when that 80s bathing suit crotch is above my belly button now am i?

if anybody knows a trendy baby, let me know. i have a present for them.

thrifted

2009-04-13T00:39:00.012-04:00

i've been kind of on a roll lately with thrift store buys. i will prove this to you below.

(sorry for the dark lipstick mom)

florals florals florals i cannot get enoughhhh!! especially when it's seven dollars and comes with a matching floral jacket that is just gross enough to be perfection!!

sequins sequins sequins!! i love vests and i love sequins. gimme 4 dollars and BAM. ta-dah.

the other night i decided to change outfits in the car before going out so i threw on a crop top and high-waisted shorts. are you on the edge of your seats yet? wellllll i mis-calculated my proportions and was wearing a midriff! not just that cute little peek of skin between high shorts and short shirts- it was a legitimate 90s belly button midriff. what a travesty. but reallyyy i may bring the midriff back. summer is hot and this shirt may be perfect for doing that 80s loop and tie. also, it may substitute as a jail outfit if i get arrested or a referee outfit if i get caught in a soccer game.

the only thing better than seven dollar floral high waisted pants is me, lea, and jen all buying the SAME seven dollar floral high waisted pants. i know, i'd be jealous too.

this shirt is athletic. i am not. but it has my number on it, 11, and it's comfortable and 1 dollar at salvation army. SOLDDD.

sometimes i just buy sequins so it's less sequins that other people can buy.

i am obsessedddd with this dress. best buy of the weekend? i think soooo. so um, summer can you like, get here? i'm wearing florals and shorts every day. GET A CLUE.

united states naval academy jacket. i needed this. i saw it and i couldn't part with it. now i never have to.

anyways, i think that's a good little wrap up for now. i have another amaaaaaazing richmond find but it's temporarily on loan for an 80s party. pictures soon-ish. think pearls. and shoulder pads. mmmhmmmmm.

awww daddy-o.

2009-04-12T23:49:00.002-04:00

this is good.

2009-04-11T19:02:00.003-04:00

alien eyes.

2009-04-10T21:37:00.001-04:00

ohhhhyeahhhh.

2009-04-03T20:30:00.004-04:00

this is my new prized possession coming to me soon via ebay. i'm exciteddddd. i think it's going to be a delightful summer wear. i love that the bathing suit is awful and the legs look like breadsticks, instead of one of those sexy bods in the leopard bathing suits with the cleavage pushed up to the neck. i think this is definitely more my style. ebay is really dangerous for me because i feel like it's a game and that i can always win. but really it's like umm no you're just the only idiot willing to pay 19.99 for the 3 dollar t-shirt from waves surfshop.

anywaysssss i'm thrilled. WEEKEND!! yayyyyy.

fyi

2009-03-31T23:17:00.005-04:00

to everyone that is on the edge of your seat dying to see my clothes previously mentioned, here's some photo references of my new favorite dad shirt and tranny boots. and SCOOBY. oh my god he was soooo cute when i went home i couldn't even take it. normally he doesn't do much for me (i know, i'm terrible) but something about scooby this past trip to richmond was so snuggly and adorable, i died. he was the cutest little munchkin i've ever seen. see, i do have a heart.

just sayin.

2009-03-31T13:55:00.006-04:00

i look really cool today. really, i do.

i'm gonna go out on a limb and say 8 out of 10 people would agree with me. and the only reason the 2 wouldn't agree is because they're a little uptight and i'm wearing boots i got off a website for strippers and drag-queens and they just wouldn't understand how that type of shoe could be applied in real life. but it can.

(one time, when i was 12, my friend and i got our make-up done at the mall and when we showed my mom, she told us we looked like "drag....gon princesses" yes. she told us we looked like dragon princesses. she started with dragqueen and decided it was inappropriate and that we would somehow accept dragon princesses. we didn't.)

also. i have worn the same shirt almost every day. i can't stop. its so soft and comfortable and the perfect length and size (XXXXL-ish. love it) and i don't care that i have become a serious outfit repeater. i do NOT care, it's amazinggg and it says "proud to be a pop, my kid got me this shirt". oh i'm so witty. get it? because like i'm a girl without kids and it says im a dad with children that buy me clothes. i know, it's good. i will not take it off. i want to wear it every day. and sleep in it. and wear it again. but with really great accessories and boots and socks and studs and furs and sequins.

anyways. the point of this story is- today, i look cool. and when i walked to work, i sort of felt like people agreed. and the whole way to work, i listened to spice girls and dixie chicks. i felt like i was tricking people along the way like yupp you think my boots are cool huh? little do you know what a loser i reallllllly am (cue baby spice singing "when 2 become 1")

byeeeee.

my thoughts.

2009-03-28T00:25:00.004-04:00

thanks so much for turning my plane seat into a brookstone vibrating massage chair, flight 3045, but i think next time, i'm ok without it. i've developed a SERIOUS fear of flying over the past few years. it doesn't help that i have an overactive mind and that all i hear on the news are stories about musicians and djs jumping out of burning planes and plane passengers swimming in the river (ok 2 stories but IM SCARED)

flights are not fun anymore. you don't get pretzels and instead of sleeping or carelessly reading trashy magazines, i spend my time dissecting different situations for what i'll do when the wing falls off or we run into a cloud or a baby bird. i just want to enjoy flying like i used to instead of stressing out & calming myself with dramatic playlists. today's plane crash playlist included a repeat of halleluyah- jeff buckley, fix you- coldplay, and we are the champions. i know that last one's not depressing and dramatic but it was stuck in my head and if the plane was going down, i wanted something triumphant.

in other news, the other day, i decided that i hate animals. i then realized this made me a terrible person and switched my viewpoint to i hate animals that aren't squishy (pronounce as squooshy please) little fluff puff doggies on the street that you could pick up and snuggle and squish- soooo cuteeee. but the big unsquishables- BLEH.

and CATS- the absolute worst. if you tried squishing a cat, it would probably just scratch your face and then walk all over your counter or something. ugh.

ALSO. i want a career where i can sit and eat at balthazar for 2 hours in the afternoon. i don't even really like balthazar but sometimes in the frenzy of a hectic stylist assistant job, i see people lunching and i want that. i want to lunch. i want a job where i can tell people what i'm bad at while showing them what i'm good at. like "oh, i am SOOO disorganized and forgetful. i could never be an assistant! but look at this couture dress i just whipped up out of fringe and candy wrappers!" right now, i'm still in that stage where you have to be on top of things. i don't want to be on top of things. i just want to have summer picnics in floral crop tops and ripped jean shorts with colorful socks and doc marten boots. that's my summer look, don't steal it. (i mean you, matthew.)

ANYWAYSSSS. richmond for the weekend!! sooooo glad. sometimes, you just have to go home. even if takes a plane to get there.

ooo didn't that sound like a sex and the city line?

ugh.

2009-03-25T11:11:00.001-04:00

i LITERALLY slipped on a banana peel this morning on my way to work. i'm serious.

OMG CLARISSA F-ING EXPLAINS IT ALL.

2009-03-19T00:04:00.003-04:00

i love you

2009-03-13T14:58:00.001-04:00

"you'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap"- Dolly Parton

WE GOT TATS

2009-03-03T00:55:00.005-05:00

if you know me, then you probably know that tattoos really intrigue me and really scare me. if you have a tattoo, i will most likely want to know the life story behind why you got it and then it will most likely blow my mind. matthew says this makes me very "normal". and i think a little bit un-cool too.

ANYWAYS.

i had this dream once where i woke up and i had gotten a huge gun tattooed under my arm and i was SO upset. it was really terrible. and all i kept doing was crying about how nobody would ever trust me with their children again. i don't really know what that meant, to be honest. apparently i was some sort of professional babysitter and the gun tattoo was a seriousss career ruiner. but anyways, the gun tattoo was really scarring and since then, i've had other bizarre tattoo nightmares. one time, i got tyra banks tattooed on my leg but really it looked exactly like kirstie allie and when i went up to show tyra that i had tattooed her face on my body, she didn't even care. she was not even appreciative! typical.

anywaysssss. i would never get a tattoo. it's way, way too permanent and i'm way, way too un-cool.

but this weekend we discovered that fake tattoos are a really great time and come in packs of like 100 for $5.00. WHAT A DEAL! with categories like "princess diva" and "motorcycle psycho". or something along those lines.

i mean, no big deal, it's just tats guys.

un-acceptable.

2009-02-22T20:49:00.003-05:00

i am completely against pre-written thank you speeches. i find it to be very un-genuine.

i am giving penelope cruz a free pass because english is not her first language.

but everyone else better watch out.

my gaydar is going off.

2009-02-22T20:04:00.002-05:00

sarah jessica parker and matthew broderick are on the red carpet and matthew broderick has HIGHLIGHTS in his hair.

just sayin.

hey hey hey how's my best girlfriendsss.

2009-02-22T17:03:00.013-05:00

oh hey, hi. i'm back. apparently i am very bad at consistency. but since i've been getting phone calls and texts and faxes and emails and those airplane messages with the banners on the back that you see at the beach about how everyone misses my blog so much, well, here i am again!! you are soooo welcome. the thing is i just haven't had very interesting things to talk about.

for example a HUGE problem i'm having these days is that i do not have headphones. i used to have really cool headphones. you know those big dj ones that just look really cool and awesome when you pull them out on the subway and people are like whoahhh are you a dj? nope, you just have cool headphones. but then one of the ears (ears? what do you call the speaker part of the headphones?) broke off and i didn't look that fancy anymore. so then i used some ipod ones that stick in your ears but they kept falling out of my ears and eventually i think fell out of my bag (oops... i take awful care of things) and so NOW as a consequence of my irresponsibility and lack of money, i have resulted to using headphones that lea's dad bought on his jet blue flight for $2.00. they're really loose and plastic and like, bad, but music does come out of them so i guess it's fine for now.

speaking of having no money, i had a shopping spree today. i KNOW that is sooo inappropriate and irresponsible but i have been working REALLY hard lately and i really felt like i deserved it.

this is what i got.. i will show you through pictures i just took for you in mine and lea's bedrooms. i'm REALLY excited about my purchases so don't take the pouty faces as lack of enthusiasm. that's just the face i use for modeling my new clothes on photo booth.

ok NUMBER ONE GET EXCITEDDDD THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE THING I OWN!!! it is a vintage amazing oh my god AMAZING mickey & co sweatshirt. you know mickey & co right? really high end mickey mouse line from like disney world in the 80s or something? haha no but REALLY it is kind of a big deal. it's not even really a sweatshirt, it's kind of like pillow material. i don't know, very hard to explain but at least you can appreciate its aesthetic through these pictures. i have wanted this foreverrr but the first one the vintage store had like this got sold before i could get my hands on it and today they had another one and i snapped it up and i am thrilled about it. really, really thrilled. it was a little pricey but i have wanted it forever and it's reversible so i think of it as a kind of 2 for 1 deal. very economical in these hard times, i know.

and number 2 didn't photograph very well so you probably won't see how great of a vintage shopper i am but it's a really amazing black dress with sequined tasselled shoulders and it's drapey and vintagey and kind of ice-skatery and flappery too. i'm so glad that my fashion school vocabulary has really been so useful to me. anyways, it's pretty great.

ok THENNN i bought my new favorite pair of shorts. actually, they were some old school 80s levi's jeans with seriousss mom butt but i cut them and destroyed them and once they are washed and fringey and ripped to shreds they will be PERFECT. i'm ecstatic about them. and i sort of feel that buying shorts will make summer come sooner. i don't know, it just seems like that should be the case. i have a feeling i will wear these every day and then maybe pass them down to my daughter one day or something so really, i feel it was another smart purchase.

the oscars are on tonighttttt. i'm 20% excited about them because i can critique people's outfits all night and 80% excited about them because it is an excuse to make chips and dip. thank you thank you... i would like to thank the academy.

anyways, more to come. byeeeeeeee

who cares what you're wearing...

2009-01-31T17:57:00.008-05:00

my all time favorite movie ever is annie. i probably watched this movie every day of my entire life growing up. actually, it rotated between annie and some emo version of the little mermaid that my mom bought for my brothers and me. basically in our little mermaid movie, ariel fell in love with the handsome prince but she was a mermaid and he was engaged to another woman. so then ariel gets legs to get the prince, but he gets married- and not to her. so that ends the love affair for ariel and in order to become a mermaid again she must stab the prince in his sleep or become sea foam forever. but then she sees the peaceful sleeping prince with his new wife and can't bear to hurt him, so she instead throws herself off a cliff into the water and becomes foam of the sea. it's actually very anti-feminist. and there were no songs. no flounder. no happy ending. just stabbings and sea foam. very traumatizing.

SPEAKING of traumatizing, back to annie. so annie is the most wonderful, lovely, endearing, compelling movie of my entire life. i laugh, i cry, i sing, i can't get enough. anywaysssss. even though annie gets all the attention in the movie, molly is the cutest orphan and HELLO kind of looks like me. so naturally, i wanted to be molly and in my FAVORITE scene, as displayed below, molly does an enthralling rendition of you're never fully dressed without a smile. AND wears an amazing little red hat that i HAD to have for my birthday. i would also like to point out that this was the birthday age where all my friends were asking for bicycles and i asked for a simple little hat. the red one. that molly wears. so blah blah time passes, birthday comes, cue the cake and happy birthday music and ta-dah a beautiful HAT BOX!! so imagine my excitement and then DISMAY when the hat that lay within the box was BLUE.

i am STILL waiting for my red molly hat. mom.

even better.

2009-01-21T18:02:00.000-05:00

obamarama

2009-01-20T23:07:00.012-05:00

obama is president!

more importantly though, aretha's head gear was out of control today. she was toooo goooodddd. THIS. is history.

bow bow bow

2009-01-16T18:48:00.008-05:00

today, i cut up an ugly beret i had and sewed it into a beautiful (or less ugly, if you prefer) bow. it is velvet and pearls. very black tie. i sort of love it. ok not sort of. it's big and ridiculous. my mom says it reminds her of i love lucy, which i will take, because i loveee i love lucy. so anyways. that was my little project today. i have attached pictures above and below but not JUST pictures. i have also included neon colored writing with witty sayings like "aww" and a drawing of a bow. i really go above and beyond on this thing, i know. you're welcome.

loookboookkk

2009-01-16T17:01:00.007-05:00

jill is the designer of dolce vita and she has done suchhh a good job. somehow, i ended up modeling the lookbook so here are pictures of me being awkward. so buy dolce vita!! the oversized white silk shirt with the batwing sleeves oooo it is gooddd. and the white silk professional button down but psyche no it's not because its a tummy tee LOVE it. and the jumpsuit!! ahhh i'm sort of sold on anyone that makes a jumpsuit. clearly.

good good

2009-01-15T23:12:00.005-05:00

i met a man named pat at starbucks today. he was blind and adorable and sweet and i walked him to the bus stop. besides affirming the fact that i realllllly want to do volunteer work for the blind, it also affirmed how AWFUL i am with directions. pat needed to go to the downtown bus stop and i fought with him about which way the bus stop was. i, of course, was completely wrong and pat, the blind man, helped me to walk him in the right direction.

i think we are meeting again at starbucks tomorrow which makes me happy. i don't know what it is but i've always felt some sort of strange connection to the blind. maybe it was because of my big birthing drama. the doctor poked me in the eye with a forcep (i'm not completely sure what a forcep is but i believe it is some sort of chopstick used for removing difficult babies) and then i wore a patch over my eye until i was 2. i wore a contact in my bad eye and a patch over my good eye, therefore allowing the bad one to be able to be corrected with a lens instead of just going blind. i may be exaggerating that story but i did wear an eye patch every day of my life until i was 2 so i guess i'm not. my mom told me that people used to think i only had one eye. how sweet. but now i'm fine and i have a wonderful excuse to buy 50 pairs of absurd glasses every month that i typically only wear as props in pictures.

anyways, i really want to volunteer for the blind and i am calling tomorrow to start. i can't wait.

also, here are some pictures of me patching it up. and just some pictures of me being cute because AWWW i was so cute post patch days. right?

and also this.

2009-01-15T23:05:00.005-05:00

i'm furious about something.

i was born on november 11th which makes me a scorpio. i know nothing about horoscopes or things like that but yesterday we were doing a little horoscope research and apparently the world hates scorpios. which i think is really unfair AND unnecessary. there was a lady at my work that had a baby and the due date was around my birthday and she went on for months about how she would just DIE if her son was a scorpio (thanks babe)

and THEN it turns out my moon sign is a scorpio too! i'm not exactly sure what a moon sign really is but i do know that my sun AND moon signs are scorpios making me a scorpio scorpio. and apparently that is just the most detestable person ever. i am jealous, manipulative, lonely, and full of rage. i'm SERIOUS!! this is my horoscope reputation.

i find it infuriating. i am ENRAGED. and jealous of the cute little baby libras who are apparently sweet and full of sunshine and friendliness. how very scorpio-ish of me.

hmmm

2009-01-15T22:27:00.007-05:00

i haven't been a very good updater recently. so sorry to all my devoted fans.

i had the weirdest dream the other night. let me tell you about it. i was hanging out in my apartment, i think eating and watching real housewives of orange county (oh my GOD side note do you watch that it is insanely amaaaazing we cannot stop watching it. over and over and overrrr literally lea and i are out of control) anywayssss that's completely besides the point. so here i am in my dream eating some gingersnaps and dying over gretchen flirting with tamara's 23 year old son and then in strolls a baby bear into my apartment! an adorable little white baby bear with blue and purple streaks in his hair. it was actually kind of amazing looking. so at first i was like awww what an adorable bear and then i was like (ugh my dad HATES when i say "i was like" i'm such a valley girl) ANYWAYS then i was like OMG there is a BEAR in my apartment and regardless of its cuteness that's kind of weird and scary. so then i was jumping on my couch trying to get away from the cutie pie and i looked at it again and it was a DOG. a white dog with blue and purple streaks. and then i felt sort of stupid for jumping on the couch from a little colorful dog but THEN (hold on to your seats ladies and gentleman) the dog morphed AGAIN into an old lady. with white hair and blue and purple streaks (obviously. i know that's getting a little cliche but i can't help it- it was my dream) she was a TINY little lady with long hair and she was hunched over walking on her hands and then she stood up and i saw how little she was and then i felt even worse from running and jumping on the couches to get away from her because i thought she was a bear. and a dog. and thennn i asked if she knew where she was and if she needed help. and (with kind of a sassy attitude, might i add) she said "yes i do, and i KNOW where you live." and then she walked out the door across the hall where she apparently lived with her kids and grandkids. who were eating popsicles. and then i woke up.

and sorry for wasting your time with this one...

breaking news.

2009-01-10T20:27:00.002-05:00

so today was a kind of a big day for me. i had my first olsen sighting. it was ashley. kind of a bummer because obviously the best olsen to see is mary-kate. although stacy says she would prefer ashley. typical.

anyways. we brunched together. me and half of michelle tanner. well not really together but we ate brunch in the same restaurant. she had an egg white omelet, i had granola and yogurt. i'm not even gonna pretend to be too cool for school and act like i don't care. i've been waiting since full house to spot an olsen and today i did.

business-woman.

2009-01-06T00:44:00.001-05:00

la clase de espanol en el interneto.

2009-01-02T18:17:00.004-05:00

i'm taking spanish online. i signed up for this website livemocha and it's actually kind of really good. i started today. actually i started about 30 minutes ago. and then i needed a break from writing sentences like "you are tall" and "she is fat" in spanish so i decided to write here about writing them instead. but basically it gives you lessons and there's even places to record you speaking in whatever language you are learning. and then somebody else who's a native in the language you're learning listens and grades you. so i grade people in english. my spoken spanish is awful. i think it's just my voice. lea says i shouldn't talk so loud but i feel like the person on the other end of the computer will give me a better grade if they hear my enthusiasm. we'll see.

i took 4 years of spanish in high school but i never really speak in spanish so it's all kind of dissapeared. but a lot of my dad's side of the family is in costa rica so i think learning spanish will be very helpful for that and then i'll be able to talk to my whole family and not just the babies who are on my level. because usually they're kind of boring and i can only say "dame un beso" so many times.

so anyways. that will be one of my new years resolutions. to be fluent in spanish. and also to write more letters. because i think it's just nice to get letters in the mail so i will be doing that. and possibly, i will write letters in spanish. but i dont want to get too ambitious. it's only january 2nd- no need to go crazy.

couch.

2008-12-28T23:29:00.003-05:00

my mom bought a new couch for the computer room.

it apparently isn't squishy like the one that was on display in the store.

(i want you to pronounce squishy like squooshy when reading. i just think that squishy is the more correct spelling.)

and my brother says it looks like a couch that someone's grandfather would die on.

so my mom has made an appointment at 2pm tomorrow afternoon for the man from the couch store to come to our house and sit on our couch and see that is not squishy (you know what to do) like the one that she saw in the store.

i couldn't make this stuff up if i tried.

nope.

2008-12-28T20:45:00.000-05:00

well, here i am in richmond.

i should have been in new york 2 hours ago but, in typical delta fashion, my flight was canceled. this morning, i predicted that my flight tonight would be canceled and matt thought i was some sort of psychic when the cancellation actually occurred. but really the reason i assumed my flight would be canceled was because literalllly my past 5 flights on delta have been canceled. delta is the absolute worst. and it only took me 5 times to realize. i catch on quick hmmm.

also when i got to the airport my bag weighed 66.5 pounds and apparently anything over 50 pounds is 90 DOLLARS. which i think is a BIT extreme. so while i waited in the line of 300 complaining delta customers, i waited in the line wearing 16.5 extra pounds of clothes. (i'm serious.)

6 am flight tomorrow morning. BLAH. good morning new york city.

just sayin,

2008-12-26T21:06:00.000-05:00

i really like giving the thank you wave to people when they let me cut in front of them when i'm driving. today it was MADNESS at the mall. seriously. it took me 30 minutes to LEAVE. it was awful. and then a little sweetie in a blue suburban let me cut and i gave her the thank you wave. and i loved it. i actually gave her three i think. one before cutting when she nodded that she would wait for me to go. one as i was going. and one as i drove away. i just think that's good etiquette.

it's funny that etiquette is spelled so fancy since it's sort of about being fancy. stacy loves fancifying words that aren't fancy. she spells flavors like flavours. and colors like colours. maybe she's not that fancy and she just really likes using u's. i don't know. but if etiquette was spelled etiket (well that would be awful, but you know what i mean) stacy would LOVE to spell it etiquette.

daraaaaa

2008-12-26T11:31:00.000-05:00

one time, i got these glasses. i still like them.

this is my dad.

2008-12-25T14:04:00.000-05:00

my dad is the smartest person in the world. a lot of people say that about their dads but my dad actually kind of is. he was on jeopardy and he reads encyclopedias sometimes. for fun. when he was 4 he got some weird obsession with the presidents and since then decided to know everything about every president. he can name them backwards and forwards in under a minute. he can tell you their wives, their children, their birthdays, their favorite food, and their 5th grade teachers. seriously. my brother is the same way. they do this thing called presidential math. (i know) so basically my dad will say something like okkkk the square root of abraham lincoln minus thomas jefferson. and then it would be george washington. because 4-3=1 and the first president of the united states was george washington. i'm sort of embarassed writing this because i feel like it makes me nerdy by association. but my dad is so cute. anyways. this was at the airport.

this is snow

2008-12-25T13:53:00.000-05:00

ooo this is too good.

2008-12-23T18:55:00.000-05:00

mom.

2008-12-23T17:11:00.000-05:00

my mom lost her contacts.

that wouldn't be weird if say, she had knowingly dropped a contact when putting it in her eye or misplaced her entire contact case.

but no, my mom knows exactly where her contact case is. she just hasn't the faintest idea of where her actual contacts could be.

so i said... "have you checked your eyes?"

to which my mom responded by picking up newspapers and sugar packets to see how well she could read.

she doesn't think they are in her eyes. but she's not positive.

day 2

2008-12-22T21:12:00.000-05:00

nothing too exciting to report. i'm still bad at skiing and i'm still wearing a helmet. (not at the moment, but on the slopes) oooo on the slopes, i sound so legit.

in other news, my ski jacket is stuck on me. i've been wearing it for oh, the last 9 hours. the zipper is broken and stuck at the top. i'm beginning to get a little claustrophobic. it's great when i'm outside but now that i'm sitting in the hotel lobby, it's a little warm.

i need a really good pair of scissors. or i'm going to be permanently un-trendy for the rest of my life.

my dad said "ready to shred?"

2008-12-21T20:33:00.000-05:00

so i'm in colorado. in vail. with my family. on a SKI trip. i haven't been skiing in SOOOOO long. i think the last ski trip i took i was wearing an XOXO shirt and i braided my entire head to look more "sporty". if that gives you an idea of how long ago it was.

the day started out pretty well. aside from my mismatched ski outfit (jenkos! my ski pants are jenkos.) well not literally but they were sagging all day and my mom told me i looked like a rapper. picture a realllllly cute ski outfit and then picture the exact opposite. with some baby blue. and black. and orange ski goggles! and a HELMET. my dad says helmets are absoLUTELY necessary and while i looked so muchhh less cool than i normally do on my usual basis, the helmet did prove useful to me in the later half of the day.

anywaysss.. i started out pretty well, though i congratulated myself that i was doing exceptionally well. i may or may not have sent out a few text messages about what an AMAZING skier i was... i now realize the reason my moves seemed so expert was that i was skiing with our family friend who was a first time skier and her ski move's extended to knowing how to buckle her boots and tie her gloves together. comparingly, i was prettttty great.

fast forward to the second half of the day and my skiing wasn't as up to par. this time, i skied with my entire family. scott is like a champion snowboarder, he wore neon colors and would do flips off cliffs while i'd cry about how i couldn't get down a hill. mark isn't nearly as good as scott but he was doing some sort of backwards moonwalk at some point that my mom found really impressive. my dad dropped a ski pole off the chair lift while he was fixing his gloves so the fact that he skied the rest of the day with one pole was enough to outdo me. and my mom had the greatest day of her life because she apparently finally learned to turn. who knows. she also talked about "paralleling" all day. which i believe just translates to "the normal way to ski" but for the entire day my mom's conversations went as so:

"oh i fell because i was trying to parallel!!"

"lauren!!!! just PARALLEL!!!!!"

and so on...

and. i FELL.. TWICE. one time was just a little baby fall no biggie got up , dusted myself off and tried again (RIP aliyah)

but the second fall was literally a first place blue ribbon grand prize gymnastics backwards flip down a hill that sent my skis and poles in 4 different directions. oh, that's where my helmet ended up being necessary. thanks dad.

so after my gymnastics back handspring fall i decided i despised skiing and i would ski down the mountain the rest of the time complaining about how i was unable to ski down the mountain. i was an absolute pleasure.

i think i should be ok tomorrow as long as i stick to mountains with names of baby animals written in arial font (bunny hop, lionshead, eagle baby whatever) and stear clear of any mountains my brother would go on that tend to have signs with names in grafitti like chaos canyon and catastrophe cliff.

okkkkk until tomorrow.

byeeeee

OMG OMG YAY YAY YAYYYYYY WOOOO

2008-12-10T15:54:00.001-05:00

IM SO EXCITED I WAS JUST DOING CHECK INS AT ALBRIGHT AND I WAS CHECKING IN SCARFS AND SHOES AND BAGS AND THEN SOMETHING FALLS INTO MY HAND LITERALLY FALLS OUT OF A BAG INTO MY HAND AND LIKE FATE I LOOK DOWN AND WHAT IS IT!??! MY BABY CUTIE FACE FOX RING MY PRIDE AND JOY MY FAVORITE PIECE OF JEWELRY IS BACKKKKK. I AM SO THRILLED I CAN ONLY WRITE IN CAPITAL LETTERS YAYYY I PROMISE TO NEVER LOSE YOU AGAIN AND ACCIDENTALLY SEND YOU OUT ON A FASHION SHOOT WHERE YOU DO NOT BELONG I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON BUT A TERRIBLE PERSON WITH THE CUTEST FOX RING EVERRRRR YESSSSSSS.

FAVORITE DAY.

what the hell am i wearing.

2008-12-07T02:28:00.000-05:00

ATTENTION NEW YORK CITY.

2008-12-01T18:10:00.000-05:00

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS RING??

it was last seen going onto my finger at my apartment around 8:37 this morning. it could possibly be in gramercy, on the

6 train, or in astor place.

it is a little baby fox covered in bling given to me by one of my favorite people. sorry jen... love you.

if you find it i know it's realllllly great and i would never give it back if i found it but please do because it will never be loved by anyone as much as it was loved by me.

ugh.

senior prom.

2008-11-30T13:12:00.000-05:00

i had blonde highlights. one of the many terrible choices i have made with my hair. in a close race with punk rock bangs (unintentional) and purple highlights in italy (also unintentional). never die your hair with a language barrier.

click for full effect.

mark hurry up.

2008-11-29T19:55:00.000-05:00

lester and manase went ice skating

2008-11-28T21:22:00.000-05:00

on thanksgiving and i think it is the cutest thing i have ever heard in my entire life oooo i could just die thinking of my little cuties on ice in central park. AWWW AWWW AWWWWWWW

$17.44

2008-11-28T19:45:00.000-05:00

i went thrift store shopping in richmond today and got 3 sweaters, a jean button down shirt (kinda trashy kinda cool?) AND a belt for seventeen dollars and fourty-four cents.

that is insane to me. everything in the store was half off. in new york i could have gotten half a shirt for that much. maybe. it was SO cool. and the sweaters are so cute. one of them is like teachery creepy cute it has sunshine and children (literal mini dolls stuck to it) and golf courts and golf clubs... its horrendous and GREAT. and the other 2 are just big boys sweaters.

i'm attempting to go all winter without wearing pants. so far it's been going pretty well for me. i live in tights. mostly black tights. i should try getting a little more colorful but last winter i wore those american apparel two toned tights and now i just look at the pictures and think i look so cheesy. but then again i just bought a golfing sweater cardigan with a smiling sun on it so who knows, maybe i'll break them out again. but anywaysss boys sweaters are PERfect because then they're big and long enough to be mini dresses with the 14 pairs of black tights i layer to make fake pants.

this winter for me is all about sweaters sweaters sweaters. OH. and fur and flannel and fringe. yes.

ahhhhhhhh helicopter terrorists.

2008-11-28T19:04:00.001-05:00

i had the scariest dream last night that there were terrorists everywhere in helicopters and they kept just appearing and, i guess terrorizing, everyone. it was SO scary. i was in this really nice mall, actually now that i think about it i think i was in the house that daddy warbucks lived at in the movie annie- but in my dream it was just a beautiful mall. and out of nowhere, a huge helicopter landed in the center of the mall. and at first, everyone was so excited because they thought there was some sort of fancy show or that heidi and spencer from the hills were coming out (not that that would be an exciting fancy show (ok it totally would) but that is what everyone was excited for in my dream) and THEN it was terrorists. and people were running everywhere, up these marble stairs, out doors, hiding in places to escape the terrorists. and it just kept happening over and over. i'd be driving with friends and then VRRROOOOOMMM or actually more like KCHKCHCKCHKCHKCH you know that helicopter noise. and 4 helicopters would be flying around and we'd all have to run and hide in peoples yards and things. it was seriously sooo scary and seemed so real and i actually woke up expecting to hear helicopters over my house. ahhhhh. oh and also in my dream greg shaved his hair into a mohawk. which was also terrible in different ways.

in other news, i'm STILL sick. i'm seriously like a little grandma in a fur coat with dirty tissues filling the pockets. how cute. i'll leave you with that image.

hellloooo richmond? what's happening?? i'm trying to party tonight. get your act together.

trees outside my house.

2008-11-28T11:27:00.001-05:00

"mom, i think i dropped my ring in the turkey..."

2008-11-27T13:52:00.000-05:00

today, my mom decided i had to know how to make a thanksgiving turkey. it was possibly the most horrifying experience of my entire life. her teachings included phrases like

"hmmm there are feathers on this one. this doesn't usually come like this. oh, another feather.. this is a very natural turkey.."

"ok now you just pull that stuff out. this is strange, i don't even know what this is."

"RIP the neck out lauren. now. RIP IT OUT."

"hmm, i'm not sure what this is either. just scoop it out."

it was absolutely revolting. as if pulling a turkey's neck out it's butt wasn't appetizing enough, i swear there was poop inside our turkey. and feathers. oh god.

mmmm happy thanksgiving!!

honey i'm homeeee

2008-11-25T16:18:00.000-05:00

back in richmond until sunday! yayy. i love the city but it's so nice to have trips home. i was on the happiest flight back. everyone was so smiley and friendly. i feel like in general people usually seem stressed and annoyed at airports and on flights, but today everyone seemed at ease. i must not be the only one excited to get home for thanksgiving.

ever since the first time i saw an episode of lost, i have this thing of judging everyone on my planes to see who i'll be stuck on the island with if the plane goes down. today would have been a good one.

i watched travis barker on tv last night before i went to bed and he was talking about his plane crash so when i wasn't judging the people around me to see who would be helpful at finding food on the island or who could be my new best friend, i was looking out the window to plan my route of escape if the wing of the plane fell off or something. like we'd be over water and i'd think hmm ok this is probably do-able.. it would just be like going for a dip in parasailing.. but then the plane would be over a bunch of trees and i'd think hmm definitely not but then we'd pass it and i'd be on to the next. i guess that's kind of morbid. and i'm not even afraid of flying. i just have an overactive mind, i think.

anyways, i survived.

ALSO. i bought the best fur coat in the entire world. actually i bought two. some things just cannot be left in stores. but one of them is A-MAAAZING. like a movie fur coat. i got it for 150 dollars at a vintage store but it was probably thousands before it landed in my hands. its HUGE. and long. and white. it's almost unacceptable. like it should be worn by an old rich fancy lady who wears out all her diamonds and has her hair done every day. or in sex and the city. its borderline-ok not borderline at all-obnoxious. i'm dying to wear it but a little scared that i'll step onto the street and someone from PETA will throw a bucket of red paint all over me. we'll seeeee. pictures to come.

helloooo richmond!!

california

2008-11-16T01:58:00.000-05:00

pretty!!!!